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That feeling that the people who are supposed to be there for everything and love and support you could make you feel like the least important person in the world, like no matter how hard you try they never see it, they don't realise what goes on behind closed doors, they don't realise that you don't have anyone to talk to and you spend a lot of your time just writing, trying to express the emotions you feel because no one understands, they tell you, you are just being rebellious and a teenager you are going through a phase. They never listen and cut you off and yell at you when you try to explain yourself or correct a point, all because what? They are better then you, they know it all, do they, because you would love to know what they think they know about you. You wipe away the built up emotions of guilt, sadness and frustration away from your cheeks, turning your music up as loud as it goes and writing whatever pops into your head blocking out thoughts and letting everything you have held onto out. Phrases, lyrics, words, voices, people, imagery, and all the things that you have gone through are shared in writing. Writing is art, a continue cycle of ideas and pictures and new work never stopping, never slowing down just keeps going. People don't see beauty in every day things and people don't see the beauty in you because if they had then you wouldn't be here right now writing this. Slamming doors, yelling, fighting all those things happen once and you get scared and they say they wouldn't do it ever again, look at it now, I'm not scared, I'm numb it is all that happens in my life. People say run away. But they will find me. They ask me why I am not as happy as I used to be and I think I wonder why. Its a continuous cycle, they call me names and verbally abuse me until I don't stop shaking for a good hour or two trying not to cry and trying to think of something else, the next day they act like nothing ever happened like they are a different person or something. Its like I'm walking on egg shells like if I make one wrong move the whole world will end. But I laugh because I will cry so much and then write until I'm exhausted and can't write any longer and nothing every changes, I wake up the next morning with a wet soaked pillow and act like I'm fine and that I didn't have thoughts of self harm or running away. I am always trying to talk to a friend or someone and keep my self occupied to keep myself away from the memories of words or images that pop into my head so if I call I don't mean to be annoying or anything I just want to pretend that my life is at least a little bit better than it actually is. Like im living two lives. I just want a happy ending and someone to save me from all those thoughts in my head. I can give you a happy ending ... Kind of. Its like a rainbow, the only way you get a rainbow is that you have to deal with the rain and storms. This means that no matter how much I have to go through I will keep being strong because I believe that there is a rainbow ahead. Each day step by step things may slowly get better and if one day something blows it down its alright cause I will just keep starting again.
(Idk what this is really, I wrote it because my mind is muddled up and I was crying and stuff. I hope its not too confusing and if you have read this before I reposted because I have an account so yeah)
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