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I have been fighting with depression for some times. At least, I think that's what it is. I've never been to someone to be properly diagnosed, and I would hate to claim I have something I don't. I feel like that's being rude to those who do have it.
A few months ago, I thought I was getting better. I didn't think I was useless and weighed people down anymore. I was happy with how my life was going. But then, a few days ago, things started coming back. I had the wonderful pleasure of getting my first job ever, my first step into adulthood. I don't dislike my job; it's not super difficult and my coworkers are very nice. However, I can't afford to screw this up, so there is a lot of stress to not make a mistake.
Aside from getting a job, I am still in school and I am attempting to complete what would be half a year of High School, in a few months. The only day I have where I don't have something to go to, is Tuesday.
So, I'm sure you can imagine the stress I've been having. I have a lot of people expecting things of me, but I feel I won't be able to meet those expectations and I'll be faced with disappointed faces, once again.
A few days ago, I snapped. The days leading up to then, I had been telling a dear friend of mine that I wasn't totally okay, but I wouldn't tell them what. I had gone to them so many times before when I was struggling, I didn't want them to think I only saw them as an emotional dumpster so I kept quiet about what was going on.
On that day, I had gotten into an argument with my fiancé. He had seen I was exhausted, mentally and physically, but I was still pushing myself. He wanted me to go to sleep. I did not. So after a very angry hang up, waves of frustration and stress and anger came crashing down on me. Due to this, I went off on my friend. I blurted out everything that had been going on with resentment and anger and bitterness in my words. I hurt them dearly… They were offering support, and I returned negativity. Now, I'm not sure what to do. I have so many things swirling in my head and I know I need to tell someone, but I'm terrified of hurting someone I love again. I'm keeping everything inside and I've been crying every time I go to bed. I'm watching as everything slips through my fingers and I don't know what to do now. The friend who means so much to me, I could lose if I make another mistake. I have apologized and they still talk to me, but I'm slowly distancing myself because I don't want to hurt them again.
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Speak to someone professional. If that is something you don't want to do, then do little things daily which make you happy.
ReplyI truly appreciate the advice. I'm considering just sitting down and painting for a few minutes when things get so overwhelming. I'm not good at it, but it seems like a way I can just let my mind relax for a bit.
ReplyTalking to a professional could be very helpful in gaining strategies to relieve your stress and to deal with all those things you have swirling in your head. Keeping things inside sometimes does more harm than good. <3
ReplyThank you. <3 I know keeping it in isn't good, but I'm terrified of accidentally hurting someone again. That's part of the reason I looked for this site - so I could be anonymous.
The thought of going to a professional and having to pour my heart and soul out scares me. I don't do well with face-to-face things.
ReplyI think I understand how you feel about the face-to-face thing. I always have had an aversion to relying on people and just letting them know every detail about every single thing that is worrying me or upsetting me. It can be overwhelming to let someone you don't really know that well in on so many personal details. In my experience with professionals, it is up to you to decide what to talk about. You're never obligated to tell them every individual thing that you're anxious/stressed/concerned about.
The internet is a really great resource :)
ReplyThank you. I really appreciate it.
Reply