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Hi!
My life is currently in a mess right now. My parents always fight especially my mom. She was never happy in her life and still isn't. What nearly kills me is that every time she fights with Dad, she has to bring both me and my brother in it. She points out our flaws, complains that we never achieved anything in life because of him and ridicule us more as if we are some objects or makes us feel that we are trash. This really impacted how I perceive myself. I feel that I am useless, helpless, ugly, rude and a mean person. She complains about my decision to study abroad, far from the country that it's too expensive and I am being practical. Also, she thinks I never spoke to her nicely and I only do it if I needed to buy something. She thinks I am a materialistic person when in reality I don't want to keep any relation with her which is why I want to abroad as I cannot the stress anymore both at home and at school. I am tired of her fights with dad, which had an impact on how I see myself and my motivation. This led me to go to the psychologist but in reality, it does not really help because the problem comes from my mom and my dad. By going abroad, I helping my mental health so that I don't go suicidal because now I cannot and I am on the verge of a mental breakdown right now: I cannot tolerate them anymore and I cannot live with them for long. I am not rude to her, every time I speak to her nicely, she tries to make fun of me all the damn time. She cannot leave alone. My aunt saw how much my parents bother me a lot and do not leave me alone during the summer vacations. They all put me in a bad mood. Now I had enough of it, it is either they let me go abroad and I see once for the vacations or I just stay somewhere close or even at home and study and let my inner self die, then myself by always hearing my parents fighting. By the way, these fights had been going for 19 years. No change, having a couple therapy is useless, my dad doesn't make the effort, talking to them is also useless as they are both very stubborn.
I am currently hesitating of going abroad now because it is a bit expensive, my dad is a bit careless when it comes to spending money, so I bet they don't know if they can afford it. Also, my mom will again think I am a bloody materialistic person. It is a bit funny because I had a talk about it a few days ago and she said not to worry about the finance, I guess I embarrassed her by telling her that I was looking at the cost of going abroad which is what they should be doing. Now, she complains that I am going abroad as it is not practical financially and all when before, she said that she has no objections. She is way too difficult to understand. Even, applying for a scholarship is difficult as well as my grades have been recently affected by all this. Now I am not sure if I should study abroad or not? Worse, is I don't know whom to talk about this issue. There are very few people that I trust, actually, almost no one, not even my parents because having a conversation with them ends with a fight and me feeling guilty that I caused this dispute. My brother is too small, he can't understand. There is no way that I share it with my friends because I don't want to bother them. I cannot tell my psychologist because, in the end, she will arrange a meeting with my parents about it and at home, my parents will fight about it with me. Basically, I have no one in my life with whom I can share all those horrible fights happening between me and my parents. There is no one who can guide me into taking the most important decision of my life which is to study at university.
Do you think I should not study abroad?
Is it wrong in my case to flee from this situation?
is it wrong in this situation for me to follow my dreams of going abroad, in a place where I don't know anyone?
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It's bad indeed that you had to face those fights from your childhood. There is nothing wrong in the way you think. The problem is with your parents. You have tried to talk sense into them and it hasn't worked so don't bother About that anymore. Study well and go abroad. If you feel bad about the finances then take a loan and study abroad. you have your whole life ahead of you so don't waste it in feeling guilty.
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