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Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I torturing myself with agonizing thoughts? Why do I make myself force to think that I don't worth anything? That I can't achieve anything?
I am sitting alone with this warm breeze combing through my face, my hair. I watch people, cars and the life while they are going on, while they are holding on. It feels strange. Being in this city.. The city that once hides my secret tears, my never ending nightmares and unbearable fears.. I don't like it actually, I never did. It was the first blow. I realized my parents were not heroes, I saw people's true colors for the first time. I managed it though. I managed to survive my way out of here.. And now I am back, temporarily but still, I am back..
I don't expect it to feel like home since it never did, but it still hit me that how much I had to give from myself to separate myself from all these people, all these betrayals and all these lies. Yet it only took one second to feel them all come rushing back to me. Pain is still there because I am still not exactly there. I still feel what they did to me in the dark corners of this so called "paradise" city. They tear my dreams apart, they put my self-conscience right under their feet, they left me with this woman who is afraid of walking with her head high. And I hate it.. I hate it..
I saw a friend today. One helped me get through it all. She said that " No one is above you. Your life is your life. How long you gonna make yourself suffer? Isn't it enough?"
Maybe these are very random words but this was something I didn't even realize while I was trying to build a life away from here. I, now, see why I was failing. I can't become "me". There is still someone out there I feel reaponsible to. There is still fear of that little girl who is supposed to response to every damn person when she did something wrong.
I'm not even sure if what I'm writing makes sense or not. I don't wanna care anymore. I need this. This is what I gotta get through. I need to forgive it all, put them behind and move on. Cutting ties with people who are still trying to harm me even though they call themselves "family". I trusted them once more and asked for help. I begged to be helped because I was not sure if I was gonna see sun shining for another day. All they say was "Oh come on. Don't make a big deal out of it.We know you want attention". I told these people how much it hurt since everyone advised me to ask for help. I saw what happens when I made myself little in front of someone again. I am not going down that road ever again.
I am gonna live for myself. Yes, it's hard but there are so many dreams that I have. So many places to see. People to meet. So little time, though..
When I return to home, I will make it. Because I am strong. I can break down sometimes. I can watch life from somewhere else when I need a break but I will get back up and I will make it. No one is above me. And I am not worthless, none of us are because we are all blessed with the same breath. We can get hurt but we can take care of our wounds. It's gonna get easier I know, maybe not today, but it will.
I am done torturing myself, I am done paying for other people's mistakes.
So..
Goodbye, dear hometown..
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ReplyIt's actually very simple.
If you don't want to voice your "positive, constructive" thoughts or offer support, please DON'T.. You don't have to write something just to write.
You and people like you just aim to mock people who are trying to open up their problems and fears. It's pathetic. Try to get a life..
Reply