Am I a monster?

I feel like I lost who I was. I look in the mirror and see someone who don't need to be here. I've been trying for years to be successful. I envy the people who have their life together. I watch people in nice attire, dressed professional and neat. They seem to know what they are and go for what they want. Me on the other hand keep making mistakes. I lost my for talking to a coworker. Chucked it up and said i neglected my duties. I gave them four years of my life. And was let go. I'm not perfect. I was late a few times due to not having dependable transportation. But I've tried. I was so mad and was venting to a friend and I said some things I won't repeat, but I didn't mean it. But I apologized. Still, it cost me from getting other jobs. I'm being black balled. The company is making sure I don't get a job. They denied me getting unemployment. They are giving bad reviews about me on purpose. And no matter who I apply to. I get a big fat denial. It made me feel like I'm a monster. I want to die so bad. I feel like giving up. And I'm so tired. I don't know how much I can take anymore. I feel like I'm going to lose everything. All because I was mad and thought I could vent to a friend. And now I feel I can't accomplish anything.Sometimes I wish I could sleep and never wake up.