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Want to quit job because not enjoying it and can't keep up and what I want to do
1 year ago · · Stress,
This will be really long and random thing I write because my stress and anxiety
I don't have anyone to deep talk about this, people around me know i have problems but not the point they want to care because they have their own problems too, i cant bring this to my parents or siblings too because they think it's normal to have problems at work but not normal to think quit. Basically I live with them long enough to know they will blame me and make my problem get worsen instead help. My collage friend have their own problems too since it their first year work too
Basically like the title said, i want to quit because i not enjoying my job and can't keep up. But even i quit I have no other choice to do for living. I live alone at other city, no close friend here and my work pay even after saving so much almost give not enough
I finish my collage as mobile programmer, it's not like i want it I just happened good at it(i was young and full of hope, try to learn many thing and end up this my only skill k can use), but I always feel anxiety if what i learn is enough and is career is correct
When job hunting this always hunt me how i never feel fit with my career, i cant do well with interview and it killing me more my confident
Short story i actually got a job as mobile developer, my pay is little below market price but i take it as my own excuse i can get experience working here
When i actually join the team i realize that my division only include 2 mobile programmer(include me) and 3 senior programmer as backend. To put simply, 2 newbie need to work with professionala at different field and we actually don't have anyone to lead and help us at mobile programming
Cut the story again, i actually survive for 6 month by self learn and force my self to keep up with the senior and barely keep up. But i mostly survive because all i need to do is maintain exist program and the company that use the program have problem made it stall for almost 3 month for me doing almost nothing and i graduate from contract worker into permanent worker there, get my paycheck increase even still bellow average
Because i tried to independent as much as possible from my family I offer my self to join training new language programming, my target actually simply just so maybe they will rise my paycheck and maybe I can learn new skill
My anxiety keep increase because the training price is expensive, i scared I can't keep up, my boss want me to immediately learn advance programming of the new language and the training only 5 day, if it's human language, its like you need to learn grammar of new language you just know, you barely know anything about it and you need to made a sentence of it, that how awful my experience with programming of new languages
And yes i can't keep up, I learn almost nothing at training, back to work with stomach ache, boss ask how is the training, tell how the training goes, i tried to explain it, but now he accuse training place is bad, made me feel more awful at my stomach because deep down I know im the one can't keep up, it's like you made other people name bad when you not mean it and the boss share it to other division about how bad the training place is. I know deep down the training fee is stupidly expensive for that material they give
He give me a assignment as test how is my training, he give 1 day deadline to do it, which happened other programmer around think it stupid amounts of time, it something that only someone that master the languages can do it. And so the limit is extend to end of week and more stupid it was near Chinese new year and i took day off that day, basically if i cant do it I will screw up my day off
Short story, that week is killing me with anxiety how bad I'm, how I want to quit my job, how I'm not enjoying my job, how i cant tell my parents i want to quit my job, how i keep back late at work and back to my small apartment and find my self alone at my room.
After 5 day i cant do it afterall, until the end of week i can only do 60% of it and have been stuck and I know I probably doing it in dirty way not the right way you do it, i still take day off for a week for CNY, i thought i maybe i can finish it at my hometown. It was my big mistake, i relief my stress, busy with family event dont have time off nor have time to do this assignment and day off end just like blink of eyes, no progress at all
I don't know how to face my boss and how i can continue this job, I want to quit my job but i just get trained with super expensive fee, and i barely have any save money from working there, the pay is not great but it still more higher at other field i can do. I just work for 7 month, I start to sick with programming, and even if i quit i have nowhere to go. I keep thing negatively like how i hope i got accident so i dont need to go there, or it will be good if they just fired me so I have excuse to my parent how i lost my job. But I know i cant quit or at least until my 1 year there they may let me out.
I just feel want to change my career, open a business or do job related to my hobby but all of this impossible because i dont have enough money
I like reviewing or watch review of pc part, help other people with their pc or even suggest what they should get, some think my hobbies waste of time and money but I'm actually enjoying when help people that need it, or when people ask about pc to build. I wish i can do all thing like all youtuber tech tips but I can't afford it from all aspects
If you read it until finish i really appreciate it, don't think much if you don't understand, i just try to express my anxiety and what I want to do, even i probably wont understand what i write when i read it again tomorrow
I just feel lost way at life that is all