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Feb 13 8:00 pm
I’m crying while walking on the treadmill thinking about how much of a failure I am. All of my siblings are DOING THINGS with their lives. They are progressing. Moving forward. And where am I? I’m stuck. Again. I’m a failure. I got fired from my job AGAIN because I can’t manage to be on time. Hearing that others can’t rely on me kills me. I was so great at my job, everyone around me knew it. However not being able to be on time because I can’t get out of the bed in the morning makes me “unreliable.” Once I’m at work, I’m good to go and I do my job well. People love me, because I am a people person, I’m happy and bubbly and outgoing. But am I really? And now here I am - feeling like I’m a loser because I can’t keep a job, stressed beyond belief trying to find another job, I’m so broke, my bank account is descending quickly, I feel like I’m in a relationship where I’m the only one who puts forth effort. I get Aric is busy, but he can’t move or adjust anything for me. I’m not important to him. I’m not worthy. If he wanted to be around me, take me out to dinner, surprise me or compliment me, he would. I am NOT a priority in his life. All he cares about is work and school - this is fine, I get it. He’s trying to better himself. I am not frustrated because of this, in-fact I admire his drive and commitment (I’m jealous, why can’t I be motivated?). But while he’s doing this, he is neglecting his relationships. I can’t be in a relationship where I feel like I’m not “worth it.” I stopped taking Wellbutrin today because SURPRISE my face is a mess. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I can’t face people, I walk with my head down, I’m so embarrassed. What is my life. I am a failure. I want to be good. I want to be successful. I want to be beautiful. I want to be worthy. I want someone to care about me and for me. NOW here I am, sitting on the toilet at Planet Fitness, feeling pathetic because I could only walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes, had to stop because I started crying. I used to be in such great shape. My doctor this past week even said to me “you’re not working out, WHAT, Emily you love working out,” well I did, I used to. Feeling the urge to go smoke and eat so much food just to throw it all up (yes I’m talking about weed, and yes I’m talking throwing up like a binge-eating bulimic would). WHY because WHY NOT. Soon I’m going to run out of money. Soon I’m going to burst because I can’t keep hiding the fact that I no longer have a job, I’m on the verge of not being able to support myself, and I’m in a relationship where I feel like I’m not exciting or worth it anymore. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be better? And when I’m better, why can’t I STAY better? My heart is having that breaking, like actually physically breaking, feeling again.
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ReplyI understand how you feel. You are not the problem but you are allowing problematic opportunities into your life. Remove all the things that are not helping you succeed and move forward. They are taking up space for good opportunities. You need to release the old to let in the new. It's so hard to end a relationship, but start by communicating your issues and worries within it, otherwise nothing will change, and it will only get worse when you both can't fix what you don't know is wrong. If he will better your life, he will do anything to stay in it. If he is keeping you stuck, it is better to let him go now than hurt worse later. And once you begin to flourish, better people, jobs, places, things will come to you. They won't always stay and won't always be great for us, because we change and grow, and holding onto the things that were once part of us before we became our best selves will stunt our growth. Also, sometimes we just have to realize that we tried and we failed, and we must backtrack a bit to try another way. The better way. Starting with any job at all just to maintain motivation will eventually have you wanting to move up, or you will realize you are perfectly content and it sustains you well for the time being. If it doesn't, go back to the beginning. Nothing wrong with going back to the beginning, so long as we get past it. Surround yourself with things that are good for you, make you happy, and make you better and you may discover beautiful and wonderful aspects of yourself for the first time. Once you become aware of them, they will be out in the world for people to see, and people who appreciate them will be drawn to them. It's okay to be stuck. We are responsible for getting ourselves out of the rut though, and it's a process to learn how. We won't learn how unless we try. And never be afraid to ask for help. <3 Good luck
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