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Hi Mom,
I know you're always worried about me now, and that no matter what I do or what happens to me you will always consider me as a little girl who knows nothing about life and will always need you for help. It's past 4 am here and I really feel like I need to let my feelings out.
The past couple of months were hell to me. On 23rd of November, 2018, I went out of the city to meet a friend, who we'll call A here. A has been my friend for more than two years. He wasn't really a close friend, but he has been close to me when I just moved back to my hometown and he has been the only one caring enough to check on me. There has always been some kind of attraction between me and him but we didn't really act on it, but on the 23rd or November I came to his city to see him fully knowing that something will happen between us. And it did, we had sex that day and everything was consensual, nobody was forced upon anything. We said we can be friends with benefits now, and that nobody had to know anything about what happened between me and A.
We really didn't tell anyone, but we didn't become friends with benefits either because a week later I traveled out of the country and met someone who I kinda liked. Actually no I liked that guy a lot, we'll refer to him as M. M and I didn't go past kissing, but that was fine, I really liked him but I also knew that nothing could really happen between us since we both live in different countries.
December 6th, I came back to my country, and things between me and M were left on a hanger, we said we'll try to work things out in a long distance relationship, but nothing was exclusive between us yet.
December 7th, my sister and her fiance decide to go out, and they're going to that city where A lives, so me and my 14 year old brother go with them. My sister and her fiance go their own way when we arrive, and my brother and I go our own way, so we go to meet A and his friends in some bar.
My brother, A, A's friends and co-workers (whom I'm kinda friends with) and I are all sitting in this bar, and then A tells me that he needs to tell me something in private, so we go out on the street, and we go in his friend's car. He tells me that some people suspected that we got together, and he reminded me that I just had to deny it if anyone asks me, and then he just tells me that he doesn't want his girlfriend to find out. That was the first time I got to know that he had a girlfriend, when I asked him about it he said that they were on a break when we got together, so I just change the subject because I don't want to have an argument with him. I started telling him about M, and about how excited towards my relationship with M and so on.
After a while, and many small talks, I give him a hug and tell him that I'm glad he's my friend, he doesn't let go of the hug, and locks me in, he looks like he's about to kiss me so I tell him that I know what he's about to do and I don't want him to do it, but he kisses me anyway. I kissed him back once or twice but then I pulled away and showed him a picture of me and M, and said that I don't want to do anything with him again, but he kept kissing me, and I kept pulling back.
While he kept doing that, out of nowhere he started pushing his hands in my pants, and I started to pull his hands out with all my strength but I really couldn't, he is definitely stronger than me, and I wasn't in a position where I could move much anyway.
After a while of me struggling to get him away from me and him getting his fingers on an area that he really shouldn't be touching without my consent, he pulled out his penis and started begging me for a blowjob. I kept saying no, and that I didn't want to, and that even if I wanted to I liked another guy and that we are still in a car in public, right next to a bar where my 14 year old brother was left with some of my acquaintances, and that any of them could decide to come out at any second!
He didn't listen, he kept nagging at me, telling me that it'd be a quick one, that he'll count until ten while I do it and afterwards I can stop, that he just needed this one tiny favor from me, that nobody would know anything.
And then I realized that I was in a fucked up spot, that I lived in a country where if this guy told his friends that I had sex with him once then my whole reputation is fucked up, and that I kinda needed to do anything to shut him up. I was also really tired of him nagging on me to give him that stupid blowjob, I just wanted him to shut up and never talk to me again, and I just wanted to get out of it. So I did it. He didn't just count until 10, I think he either counted until 15 or 20, not because I wanted to, but because his hand was over my head and kinda guiding it.
We got back at the cafe, and then my sister called me and told me she was coming to pick me up, so I hugged everyone goodbye and went home.
First I told my best friend, because I felt shitty about myself and I really needed someone to tell me what the fuck was going on. She told me that I got raped, and that she was willing to murder that guy for me if it makes me feel better. I thought she was just overreacting because that's what she usually does towards any males in my life, so I didn't really consider the rape thing.
I told M that A kissed me, and I didn't tell him anything more, M knew from before that me and A hooked up once, anyway M kinda stopped talking to me after I told him that A kissed me. M told me that I shouldn't feel guilty or bad, and he also told me that he stopped talking to me as much because he was too busy with his work, school, etc.
I don't know why, but after a while my self image was starting to go to hell. At some points I would be going days without stopping to take a break from crying, I felt like I'm an awful person and that I deserved everything bad that was happening to me. I knew that I was in a fucked up place and I knew that I needed help but going to a psychologist was not really an option since it takes so long to actually get one. So I told other friends, close friends that I still trust. One or two of them told me that it is kinda considered rape, the other didn't really comment on that and focused on my self image getting better.
At some point I decided to tell my sister, so I poured my heart out to her, and the next morning I wake up to a call from A asking me why the fuck I told my sister. I apologized about it, and then he told me that she came to his workplace, where many people know me, and starting scolding him, and that some people might have heard her or figured the story out. Next thing my sister gets home and I'm asking her why the heck would she go and scold him when I asked her to keep the whole thing a secret, and that couldn't she realize that he could hurt me really badly considering the type of country we live in.
You see mom, at that moment my sister started telling me that I should take all of my teenage bullshit and get the hell away from her, that I am one filthy person that is ruining our family's name, and that I should get as far away from her as possible before I ruin her engagement with my soon-to-be filthy reputation.
You know what went on next mom, for around a whole week things were awful in the house between me and my sister, even my little brother got in on it, although he sided with me.
I don't know how, but you figured things out mama, right after my brother finished his exams you got home and told me that you know everything and started shouting at me. Somehow you even knew about everyone who knew. Things got really heated between us. I remember that at some points in the whole problem both you and my sister called me a whore.
You told me that I either live under your roof and abide by your rules at all times, which were some really strict rules that I could never follow, or I could go back to Norway, which is where I've lived for the past six years, but if I went back to Norway you told me that you were never gonna speak to me again, and that you will even try to get my father to hunt me down and hurt me.
You knew that I was hopelessly depressed in my hometown, you knew that I couldn't live there even if I wanted to, and you knew that logically, me moving back to Norway is the one thing that's best for all of us. So right there in front of you I started booking a flight, and after some mental, verbal and physical fight between you and me, I managed to actually book a flight and sign a contract for a house in Norway. I managed to do that around a week after our fight even started.
My flight was booked for one month later, so I actually had some time to mend things with you before I left.
I don't know why I'm typing this now, I've traveled, and now I've been in Norway for ten days, but still, I feel like the whole subject has left a huge scar on me.
I don't know whether what I've been through is considered rape or not, but I know that I was forced upon every bit of it, when I wasn't forced physically I was forced mentally, and I really didn't want it.
I know that the way you treated it makes me feel worse, and that they way I still oblige to A if he talks to me, makes me feel sick and that all of my insides are about to be thrown up.
I hope that one day in the future, you will learn that whatever I wanna do with my body is my own choice, and that I should be free to do whatever I want, and that I should never be called a whore, especially by my own family.
Your beloved daughter,
D
16/02/2019 (5.33 am)
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