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Our son turns 1 tomorrow. What a year. I remember the contractions starting, we were in bed and I didn’t want to wake you, but I wanted you to wake up and take care of me. I wasn’t scared but I wanted you close. You stayed by my side the whole time. You were on your phone a lot as usual but every contraction you put it down and helped me breathe. I laugh remembering how horrible your breath was by the end of it all. We welcomed our son and you didn’t hug me. You left and came back to sleep with us. You cuddled me all night and left to work the next morning. All that time you were in love with another woman. I try not to mix the memories but when everything you did in darkness came to light, it tarnished all the good times. All the good times that weren’t actually that good they just weren’t bad. Then there was all the bad times. The lying the calling me paranoid, crazy, breaking plans, ignoring my calls.. It stopped being good when you started seeing her while I was 4 months pregnant. The affair is over, we’re over, and now we have our son. I can’t even be mad at you because we have our son. I can’t be bitter or act out because we have our son. I have to accept it. I have to get over it. I have to raise him alone most times except when I give him to you to just be alone. I’m not afraid of motherhood, I’m not afraid I won’t fall in love again. I just wish you’d say you were sorry. I wish you’d care about the pain I felt. I know you don’t, if you did you wouldn’t have treated me like that. I know it’s up to me to forgive and forget, i know sometimes we have to forgive someone who isn’t sorry, and forget something that’s in our face everyday. I just want to complain because dammit I have to stay in this city now because we have our son. I have to speak to you regularly and hear about you daily and see you all the time because we our son. You hurt me so bad and I have to swallow it because we have our son. I’m proud of what I’m doing for him, I’m proud of me, I just want to complain because it hurts. A lot. Still. 1 year later the pain from my heartbreak still lingers and childbirth was a breeze. God I just want to get over it but I stare at you everyday that I stare at my son. I live you when I look at him and hate you when parenting is tough. I don’t want to hate you, I don’t want to love you either.
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I am so sorry. You deserve better in life and I hope you get what makes you happy.
ReplyI am sorry that you hold onto your pain and I hope he treats you to better so you can one day move on from it.
ReplyI am so sorry. He didnt deserve you. Gl for u and ur son, I hope u have an amazing life together. I'm sure he will make amazing great friends and be a great student with a great life! 😇
Reply