What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I am an abortion of a human being! I wish like some people I know I could embrace the disgusting selfish parts of my self! So I could live like an actual person!
Know with that I have problems, but it's those problems that make any accomplishment I do immediately worthless. Everything I do even the things that give me joy always gives me a sense of anxiety and guilt. I have medicine that supposed to help with one of those problems but I still end up being behind the 8 ball and emotionally stuck on a hamster wheel.
I always ask myself if selfish to thinks this way.
Yes.
I know everywhere someone has it worse, that someone today took their last breaths and didn't have the advantages I did.
Though I can't shake my own neuroses.
Time and again I go to sites like these to vent, well thousands of dollars a month are wasted on pills and therapy sessions that always have mixed results.
I panic over doing the most necessary thing. I use unhealthy ways of treating myself.
Gets bullied and take every harsh word to seriously no matter where it comes from, even if those harsh words are almost 10 years old? Even when you vote in letters after letters to yourself stating that you forgiven all those people ? I eat until I'm a forest of fat.
Gets put in situations where my trust is questioned or a question the trust of others, always afraid of being abandoned or hurt? Refused to make any new connections willingly and clean to the ones I got like a sinking life raft.
Always nervous about the pain day to day life brings? Become emotionally stunted and cling to "fake thing" & "fake people", and cry in my bedroom like a baby in my room when I'm reminded how stupid my "fake dreams" are.
It doesn't matter that I haven't gotten pregnant at a young age.
It doesn't matter that I don't drink or do illegal drugs.
It doesn't matter that I got ua certification that could get me a job if I really wanted it, and I'm currently working hard to get it renewed even though the organization is draconian at its best times.
It doesn't matter that I'm in Community College working for a degree that I will then transfer over two a State College so I can get more money free job that always has availability but I can't seem to get a position for.
It doesn't matter that all the fake things I'm doing is just practice and experiments to try to figure out how to incorporate my education into a physical framework. so I can do something with my skills it doesn't feel like I'm pushing a boulder uphill. With little results and having to obey by rules that don't tell bar counterintuitive two of the goals that the career sets out to do.
I'm still an awful person, because if I really wanted to do everything I wanted to do. It would be done already. I am lazy! Always doing the bare minimum and half-assing even that.
I can never take a pride in my appearance.
I have a sinful disgusting awful personality that is taking over my life and even if they're is or isn't a God I deserve to go to hell for it.
I am a non person!
No matter how much I pray, meditate or listen to audio affirmations or hypnosis. I'm not changing at a satisfactory level I have been broken for 21 years I'm crying in my bedroom in my parents house. With nothing but a thousand bits of pieces of Technology counting down to the next time that I remembered that I am a waste of time and money.
I'm afraid of wbo I am.
No how matter how much I am told differently these are my thoughts. No matter how hard I try to change them, no matter how much I understand that they don't reflect objective reality. By the standards of objective reality I am still no better.
I so lost I don't even know how to ask for directions anymore and of I stay in one place and hope someone finds me now.
I might as well just die.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
One time when I laughed so hard I cried
I can’t think of a time. My memory is all bungled up into one sloppy soup. Recently I guess there was a time I laughed so hard I almost cried, was I sober tho...
-
Unseen
You will never feel the same or look at me twice. I'm unnoticed by you and that's how I will stay.You ignore me purposely and cause me pain. As much as I try I...
You are not an abortion of a human being and YOU DO MATTER OK? Life is a journey it doesnt always get better overnight but with time it can. Dont give up keep fighting.
Reply