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I fall off of the path...
5 years ago · 3 · Explicit
262
so much. I have made one commitment to you and I lose my way when I hurt and can't make it better. My first and unwavering commitment to you is to release you from this. And when I am hurt, all I want is for you to give me attention, to resolve the grief, to attend to me like a helpless child. But that isn't my commitment. Ultimately, even when angry and suffering, I want you to stop suffering either from what happened, or from what caused it to happen. I don't know if you think about me with regret or think about it all, but I know that something did happen from your own pain, confusion and fear - and yes, that could have been from what I did and I am deeply sorry. Whatever your suffering is about this, I want to wish and pray and hope for your release. There is a huge pulsing rock in my .throat as I write the because I want so much more, but nothing else but my commitment is in my power. I ask for your forgiveness for me and truly wish to know the ways that it impacted you. But still, more than anything, what I want, and what I know I will always need which to have released you from everything. You know that what happened is another part of life and that there is no payback, revenge, retaliation or punishment on its way to you. I am just like you and am scared and small and just doing my best all of the time. Just like you, i have suffered loss, rejection, neglect and abandonment. And all that makes me incredibly imperfect, sensitive, protective and scared of anyone. it makes me see things in a skewed manner and believe things that are erroneous and not real. And maybe none of this matters at the end of the road to awakening, but this is the place on the road that we are at, so it is part of the winding, bumps, curves and dark spots that we have to face to get to that last place at home. When I am angry and accusing it is because my pain feels unbearable and I feel so worthless and you seem so much better and more worthy than me. All I can see is what I lost. I lost a lot, but that is what life is. We just lose it all. We lose our parents, our friends and partners, our youth, our sanity, our beauty, our innocence and our bodies. I don't know why you said and did what you did and I don't know why you choose not to confront this all with me. I have suspicions about why I would have done those things and it is just something I see myself doing if I were hurt, scared and angry and did not want to lose you. That's what I was feeling. I was just losing you and couldn't fix it. That's all. It was just being in pain and afraid. I believe that most people do the same things, just like you. My brain sees you as better, prettier, sexier, smarter, more sane, more important, richer, classier and sweeter. It's just my brain and I am jealous often that i am not you or not someone that you love and see in your life. I have anger at you too, but that isn't in alignment with my commitment to you, but it comes out when I am crashing. I'm sorry. I hope you are already free. I hope you have already forgotten about it and me and that you are living a peaceful life in spite of it all. I just ask to please be gentle when addressing me. My heart breaks with just a slight tone of terse or irritation or blame. Just please be easy because I am already in pain about anything.
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What if the person doesn't what to be free from you, but instead, they want to be free of the suffering and want to heal with you?
ReplyThat would be the loveliest thing of all for me. I'll try to be hopeful. Thank you.
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