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Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD) seems to be the closest explanation for my struggles.
"Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships." - Google definition of BPD
Also, listening to Jordan Peterson's experience with BPD patients gives good insight. I've always been 'bright' for whatever that's worth & am completely aware of the problems I face in my life, as well as knowing what I need to do in order to fix these issues, yet everytime I make an effort to implement said solutions I'm met with overwhelming distraction, feelings of worthlessness & will literally forget all about the changes I need to apply to my everyday life WHILE feeling sadness over my place in life.
It's very frustrating. As a man, I feel belittled by the desire to seek help but as a conscious person with free will & the understanding that if I need help then it is in my best interest to seek out that help so feeling belittled by the need for help shouldn't dictate my path going forward.... yet here I am anonymously posting about my issues instead of seeking professional help. (Another example of my inability to take action on a matter that I understand how to resolve)
I beat myself up because I feel I am intelligent but also understand egotistical tendencies in everyone so I am always taking myself down a few notches, especially when speaking to others about myself, but I trully feel intelligent & capable but am constantly sabotaged by my own inability to follow through. There is a desire inside of me to feel sorry for myself, which makes it's harder to take action, but I understand that this is a destructive mental space that I shouldn't stay in.
I will admit that these mental troubles I have been enduring have inadvertently increased my capacity to empathize with others & their struggles. (Especially the consideration that I may not be able to see the struggles a person is going through in their own life.)
I suppose that it is my desire for compassion from others that pushes me towards giving more compassion to others.
Have a good day, internets people.
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ReplyYou may also look into narcissist behaviors & passive-aggressive communication styles as they both relate to what you're describing.
ReplyWhat behaviour is narcissistic in this post or passive aggressive?
Reply