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Hi. I’m a 16 year old. I’m a sophomore in high school. I have some friends and a family. I have anxiety. I’ve been trying to figure out what caused my anxiety, it’s something that i don’t have to find out, but i really wanna know.
When i was 5 years old, i was sexually abused. It’s an obscure memory but it definitely happened. My cousin, who was 17 at that moment abused me. I never thought about it until some time ago when i started to get interested in finding out what caused my anxiety. It never affected me, or that’s what i thought because nowadays, I think it contributed to my anxiety.
My family was kind of cruel with me, even though i don’t remember any of it, they told me all the stories and how they would literally torture me. There’s a horror movie called The Ring, that movie terrified me when i was a kid. One time, my mom was mad at me, i was like 7, so she decided to take me to the bathroom, turn off the lights and she locked the door, she told me that the dead girl from the ring was going to come out of the toilet and she was going to scare me, I cried and i begged my mom to let me out and i think that may be another thing that contributed to my anxiety.
When i was 10 years old, my father went to jail. My mom and dad say that he was innocent, but there’s no way i can know that’s true. I went every first sunday of every month to visit him, and to be honest, I don’t have a lot of memories of it. My mom and dad would fight over the phone sometimes and my mom prohibited me to talk to him. When my father got out of jail our relationship wasn’t the same. I tried to feel good and comfortable when i was with him, but it just didn’t work. Everyone in my family is very religious, and they say that i have to praise my dad because that’s what the bible says, and i hate it. There’s no way I can’t look at him or be with him and feel comfortable, safe and secure. When i talk to him, it feels forced and awkward. I hate it.
I know i like guys, and i know i like girls, but it’s confusing sometimes so i don’t label my sexuality. I’m gonna talk about how i feel about guys, because liking girls is the “normal thing.” Yeah that sucks. I knew i liked guys all my life, I think i was born like that, my family is religious and it’s something that i’ve had to deal with. I wanna meet people. I wanna have a relationship. I want to experience new things, but I just can’t. Coming out can be emotionally destroying and i don’t want to go through that right now.
I left my country 1 year ago. I left my fiends, my family, my culture, my life and I moved to the U.S. I’m very grateful to have this opportunity but there are many bad things. I don’t have many friends. Making friends when you have anxiety is hard. I met my friends from Colombia when my anxiety was not this thing that literally controls my life, but the time came and i had to make friends here, in the U.S and it’s so hard. I feel lonely, I feel sad. I don’t wanna kill myself, but i feel tired, i’m so tired, i just want to have a normal life.
I don’t know why i’m writing this. Maybe i want to feel like someone is listening? Maybe this is just stupid? I don’t know.
(English is not my first language, sorry if i made any mistakes)
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Well, I'm listening. I am also trying to figure out what caused my anxiety. I think major events are a contribution, maybe splits in a family, which happened to me. Toxic people can really affect confidence levels too. Anxiety is extremely tiring, and complicated. If you can maybe try to find someone to talk about it in detail with?
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