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I hate how he hasn’t texted me yet. We only met yesterday yet I can’t help but to feel disappointed, they were the first person I could relate to in a while. I haven’t met anyone in person for a year and a half. I’m tired of trying to explain my feelings my reality because no one understands and they guess how I feel even if I don’t say anything. I hate my life, I hate not being able to speak, I hate my parents, their religion, my depression. I want to be expressive, I want you to care, I want to not be some weird random outsider who no one cares about, who people don’t even know. At the same time though, I wish no one knew me, I hate being wrapped up with the people I hate, having them hug me or care about me, I hate them, I wish they would just leave me alone. It sounds bothersome for me to want to talk to someone who could understand me, everyone is different, I might as well talk to someone who believes that I’m a unicorn. They wouldn’t consider me coming out as Bi as anything special, they’d just not understand again, they wouldn’t care, it wouldn’t be a big thing. I wish I could just scream at everyone that hey, I’m fucking atheist leave me the fuck alone. Maybe I will, maybe I’ll leave entirely, then no one would bug me to go, I wish they could understand that I don’t believe in a god because there is no god in this cruel unforgiving world where everything is simple but complicated, where things are so beautiful but at the same your suffocating with the beauty, it kills me to feel sane. I wish I lived anywhere but this reality. Life is cruel, it hurts you and kills you for no reason, maybe it just wants to mess with you or maybe you just genuinely don’t belong here, maybe I don’t deserve this but that isn’t the point, I don’t even think there is a point because life is meaningless. I could try to convince myself over again that I’m better than my past self, I’ve learned from things, Im better. But that isn’t true, no one can become a better person than they already are, you can’t turn a person into to being something they’re not. No one is better than this. I guess I just don’t want to be seen as the others, part of this society, part of this group of people who don’t consider my feelings. Cause the truth is that nobody cares, I want them to like me but there’s nothing to like, I haven’t even expressed my true self, I don’t think I ever will. (2:33pm)
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