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i, honestly, do not know how to start whatever this is i'm writing. and, maybe, i'd start at when i was young.
growing up, i always had a thin frame, thinner than most of the friends i had. and i usually had a lot of trouble gaining weight, and had been, at most times, forced to take in an amount of food i cannot bare to eat. and, a certain memory of me throwing out the bowl of porridge i was forced to take in by my very own mother, still lingers in my mind as though it had not been years since it had happened.
i grew up happy and was constantly active in different activities needing physical, as well as emotional, strength. my classmates, of before of course, would state how thin i was, and i had even got a check up with my doctor, since my mother didn't like how i looked as though she had starved me for weeks. my doctor had given me a weight i needed to achieve in three months, however, i had achieved it in three years.
during the seventh grade, i had constantly ate four meals a day as i have finally recognized how my bones had traced my skin and how i looked like a mere skeleton. my family had been so proud and happy once they had seen me eat two cups of rice with every meal i had taken in. i ate whatever my heart had desired to take in, and didn't give a care to whoever judged me, although, no one did, since they all wanted me to look fuller than i had once was.
and, of course, i had gained weight. the highest point of my weight had only reached forty kilograms, with the height of 4'8. i was happy and was usually active, with no worries or doubts that had weighed on my shoulders, and seeing this, made my family very much happy seeing how healthy i had become.
and, during seventh grade as well, i had grown interest in kpop and had constantly watched artists' videos whenever they danced that was taken by fans. i, with all honesty, never did give a single care about their body figure and had only seen them as human beings who were skinny, however, as my habit continued on, i started recognizing how my old clothes started to become slightly tight around my arms, and a tiny bit around my waist. my uniform had become so tight around my waist whenever i had finished a meal, and at times, i needed to use a jacket to tie around my waist, in order for it to not be obvious that i had released my zipper out.
however, a week or so into the summer, i had started admiring these artists' thin frame and had started judging my very own appearance in front of the mirror. i had constantly lifted my shirt up to see whether my belly had grown, and once recognizing that it did, although barely, i hated myself for eating so much for the past months. i started looking up workout videos and had torn myself as i did so twice a day. whenever i woke up, i would right away work out, as well as before sunset. i had cut off what i was eating and had constantly skipped my meals.
and, in the span of three days, i had already lost two inches around my waistline.
and. as i saw the result, i was overwhelmed and wanted to lose more. i further reduced what i had eaten and worked out whenever i had the chance. and soon, i had lost my period that i had only gotten.
only then did i stop when i grew very much ill, and was quite monitored by my mother. they had been shocked at how thin i was and that they wanted the old physique i had before, and of course, i know that i was thin. i know i needed to eat more in order to be happier and be much healthy. i know i would soon grow ill again. i know all of the consequences of the actions i am doing at the moment, but i could not help it.
i did not restrict and work out for a whole month, before finally placing myself back into the lifestyle i had once been in. and, at the moment, i no longer feel as happy as i used to be, and already found it easy to be tired so quickly. everyday, including today, i had been constantly measuring my body, fearing the possibility of me earning half an inch around a certain body part or so. i feel ever-so guilty whenever i eat something i had restricted and would sometimes use force in order to fasten my bowels, to make my stomach appear 'fitter.' and hearing how people call me i had gotten thinner, or that i was thin, made me want to continue whatever this is i'm doing. i would walk in front of the mirror everyday, and would recognize how my thighs had looked bigger than they once had, and how my waist had looked slightly full than usual. i portrayed myself as a child who was chubby. i see myself as that, and even felt like i actually was, making me continue whatever i was doing.
and, standing at 4'9 in eighth grade, with the weight of only thirty-five kilograms, i am still doing the same act that had caused me to become so miserable, a simple act that had intoxicated my brain to continue doing, making me love how i would feel my bones through my skin, and me no longer fitting my clothes.
help, i need help.
and i am sorry if i had offended anyone when i had typed in, 'chubby,' i sincerely am. i just do not know which word to use that would not seem mean.
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