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It's a weird feeling, at first. It almost feels as you are drowning but being completely capable of breathing. It feels like being starved when everyone else is eating all they want.
It's the feeling of being depressed when everyone else around you is so happy.
You don't want to worry anyone, or to bring anyone else's mood down, so you pretend. Pretend that everything's fine, that you're fine - when really, you're not. You stay up at night being tortured by your very own brain, fantasizing ways to kill yourself. You stay up all night holding a blade from a sharpener wondering whether to cut or not. You stay up crying for hours about things that are so little. You drown in your own hate and thoughts. You stay up all night waiting for someone to reach out, even though deep down you know they never will because you hide the pain too well. So you leave clues that only very close friends or people who have been through it would know how to follow. Suicide jokes. Jiggling. Self-deprecating comments. Low self-esteem. But sometimes that's not even enough. Sometimes you just need to gamble everything you have and place the little trust you have into a person. You tell them everything from your deepest thoughts so your favourite colour.
Then you regret it. You regret telling anyone anything because you feel like you've annoyed them with your feelings and just your overall existence. So you end up with a random person who knows everything and everyone else who know's nothing.
Day by day it gets harder and harder to hold yourself together. Your fake smile starts to fade and you laugh seems forced. People begin to notice but there is nothing they can do. It's out of their reach. they ask you if your "okay" and you just say that you're fine. You smile at them and they go away, thinking you weren't lying.
Now when you lie at night you just stare at the ceiling for hours on end with your ankles and thighs bleeding from self-induced cuts. Single tears run down your face. They aren't deep cuts, but they bleed a little bit. "They will heal over," you tell yourself. "No one will see". Over and over again the same thing until you look in the mirror and see scars on your ankles, thighs and hips. You don't cut on your wrists because people will see - but there's a part of you that wants people to see. Wants someone to care. But the demons within tell you that you don't deserve help. You got yourself into this mess, it's up to you to get yourself out. You can't expect others to do everything for you.
So slowly you fade away. So slowly no one notices the fact that you haven't laughed in so long, or the fact that you spend more time looking at your feet than anything else.
But you have no one else to blame. It's your fault you couldn't handle things that everyone else is going through. "You're weak," you tell yourself. But the worst part is that you believe it. So you slowly disappear until you can't even think. Everything is blurry and life seems pointless.
And
You
Just
Fade
Away
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I'm not sure if this is something you are going through or just a work of fiction. But, if you are going through this, know that you are not alone. I know how you feel. There was a time, a few years back, when I wanted to end my life. I was in a very dark place. I mean, I have kids that need me, but at that time, I honestly felt like they would be much better off without me. I was planning my end. Trying to figure out how I'd do it and so forth.
I somehow found my way back into the light, so to speak. I couldn't tell you how. I literally just woke up one morning, feeling like hell, depressed, and hoping for death... but I suddenly realized, this isn't me. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I thought. You know what it was? It was my ADHD medication. I stopped taking it and felt better almost instantly.
I don't know if this was helpful. But, know that you are not alone. Also, know that the world needs you. You have a right to be here and the world is a better place with you in it.
ReplyThank you so much xx
ReplyHi I really connected with this it is really close to what I am experiencing now. I hope you are doing better.
Reply