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How did I turn from a 3 year old sweet little angel to this 16 year old ugly (From the inside) devil? I hate myself BECAUSE of the following reasons:
*I am selfish
*I am a liar
*I have multiple faces
.......................................and yet, everyone gets tricked/fooled by my face/voice.
Ok, I don't mean to brag over here, but I'm gonna tell you this:
I hate myself, I'm not mentally ill. That's because I love myself. I have a beautiful face, a pretty body, very soft/delicate/cute voice. That's the reason everyone trusts me at first site. I am that shy, quiet, girl who sits in the corner of the class and who looks like a pure soul. I'm tired of hearing "Awe..." when I speak. Or "Awe...but you don't look like you could get angry." Or "You should be a model" Ha! NOW DO YOU SEE MY PROBLEM??
I am selfish because that's who I am.
I am a liar because I lie CONSTANTLY. I lie even if I don't have the NEED to lie. I just lie so that I can satisfy myself that I lied. I lie so much that I fall into my own lies. I'M A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR.
I have multiple faces because I'm not the same person around everyone. Online, I help other people just by posting positive quotes and I'm a verified listener on a professional website (There goes me bragging again) and in my diary, I only talk about me. I seek SO MUCH ATTENTION. What if I told you that I'd CUT and FAKE BRUISES for attention? I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. Oh, and one more thing. People look at me and they don't curse/swear because of my face/voice. They think I'm some innocent angel. What if I told you that I touched the V of a 3 year old? What if I told you that I purposefully ended someone's relationship PERMANENTLY, like I made a "report" on someone and they tracked his IP Address and now all of his devices are blocked and he can't even get the same phone etc and now he and his girlfriend's relationship is ruined? What if I told you that I faked depression everywhere just for attention? What if I told you that I encouraged my own mother to kill herself and I refuse hugging her and she cries and gets abused by my dad and I still support my dad in front of her? What if I told you that I nearly killed a child by strangling/choking him with my hands? What if I told you that FAKE UP STORIES ABOUT ME and I tell them to other people just so they feel remorse/proud for me (Depends on the story) what if I told you that I killed animals by my own hands like frogs, dogs, rabbits, etc and I strangle/stone them? What if I told you that I hit other people of my age with a stick with full force during tuition? What if I told you that I did so many real criminal offenses that my fingers won't type them? What if I told you so many things about me? (Those were just a few to name)
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE??? I don't want to die!! I am immortal and I WILL LIVE FOREVER. I want to blow up the rest of the world because I feel like the rest of the world is STUPID/DUMB. Everyone trusts me and I take advantage of their trust, they don't even know who the heck is spreading rumors about them being a prostitute or who the heck hacked their accounts and wrote/posted dirty things to their crushes? Who the heck knows that the 9 year old girl was being stalked by me and that I expose inappropriate materials to kids? YES, I AM THAT "SHY, QUIET, INNOCENT, PRETTY" GIRL who is academically successful. Ooooh and you know what else? I MADE 2 PEOPLE KILL THEMSELVES ONLINE BECAUSE OF ME. I hate myself but I don't CARE A FUCK, why? BECAUSE THAT'S WHO I WAS DESTINED TO BE. I see random 4-5 year olds and oh how much I want to slap/strangle/touch them. I have other bad things to share about me such as me dancing for money, using drugs/vodka underage and weapons etc, but those are things the "regular" teens would do. Now tell me, if I shouldn't hate myself then WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO? I CURSE MY FAMILY DEATH EVEN THOUGH THEY THINK I'M DEPRESSED AND THEY LOVE ME.
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ReplyHow much of the above is true?
If any of it is then you have some very deep seeded pain. Doing these things will get you in some very big trouble so it would benifit you to get a very good therapist before it is too late.
ReplyCool. Nice to meet you, kindred. :)
Pretty fun having them wrapped around your finger, huh?
But hey, why do I feel like you're lonely? I may sound like a hypocrite or something right now but... wanna talk?
Reply