Betrayed by friend of 5 years... more than 2 years later, I still can't get over it.

Some pains seem to keep hurting with no hope for passing... Here's what happened-

In freshman year of high school, I met this friend (let's call her Martha, for anonymity's sake). Martha and I connected over the fact that we were from the same country (let's say Switzerland, for anonymity's sake too). Besides that, we didn't have much in common though, other than that we were both goal-oriented and maybe a little eccentric.

I had a bad feeling when I met Martha though, you know when you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach? Martha was very bold and brash, and had a way of staring you down. I also saw her make another girl cry, the girl running to her with a hand-written apology letter. Another friend of mine said Martha seemed two-faced. And I noticed that Martha tended to exaggerate. Still, at 14 years old, what did I know? And she asked for my phone number very soon, as soon as she met me. I didn't want to be mean and reject, so I reluctantly gave her the number. Big mistake.

Martha started calling me on the phone, a lot. Like every other night, or at least multiple nights a week. Maybe that's normal, but for an introvert like me, that was too much talking. Still, Martha and I continued to talk, and developed a friendship.

However, she was doing 90% of the talking, and would interrupt and talk over me often. Still, I wanted to continue being friends with Martha. We had a lot of good times too, like when we would talk about Swiss stuff and make jokes, or talk about different world events. I felt like I had a true friend, maybe a very bold, misunderstood friend, but still cool.

Martha had a big problem - She had a horrendously abusive mother. Her mom would often verbally/emotionally abuse her, and make her clean all of the time, and would sometimes hit her too. It was horrible. When I learned about this, I wanted to be there for Martha and support her. I told her that no matter what, she can call whenever she wants, and I would be there to listen to her and support her.

I had my own problems at home too - I had an alcoholic father who would often verbally abuse me, and who I saw hit my mom. I also had an uncle that hit my mom too. I was very socially anxious, and anxious in other ways too. I hid in the staircases at school during lunch and never rose my hand in class. However, I did not discuss these a lot with Martha because I felt that her situation was worst, and I didn't want to make the conversation heavier with my load.

So Martha and I continued our friendship through high school. It was mostly her calling me though, she even told me that she prefers if she calls me because if I call while she's cleaning or while her mom is home, her mom can get mad. So I let her call whenever she wanted, and I would even drop my schoolwork to listen to her and be there for her as long as she needs. I was in a very rigorous high school program, and also taking care of my sick grandmother, and having my own chores and problems at home, but I always made sure to make time for her - to answer her calls or to answer as soon as I possibly can, and to call her sometimes too.

Simultaneously, we had a mutual friend (let's call her Rosalind, for anonymity's sake). Rosalind was awesome, I knew her from elementary, but we fell out of contact. Then she and Martha became friends in middle school. Martha and Rosalind were best friends too, and would talk all the time too. But then Martha started complaining to me about Rosalind a lot, venting for hours about her. I was surprised, because I knew that Rosalind was a sweet and caring person, maybe a little aloof, but overall a wonderful person! She started saying all kinds of terrible things against Rosalind - calling her fat, ugly, cursewords, saying that she was just friends with her because she felt sorry for her... I was shocked, but thought maybe it was just because of the anger? I didn't understand why she was mad at her and didn't want to get involved. Rosalind called me crying once, saying that she didn't know what to do, and telling me of all the horrible, nasty things Martha had said to her.. I didn't know who to believe or what to think. I just wanted to stay out of it. Martha continued to talk behind Rosalind's back, telling me all of her private things, but then she would be nice to Rosalind's face. I was so confused, and did not want to deal with it. I thought maybe this was just something they were going through., none of my business. I just tried to continue to be a nice, understanding, non-judgmental friend.

Things got sometimes weird and dark - Martha told me that she liked messing with Rosalind's mind.. Then later, Martha told me that she thinks that she herself is a sociopath and that she likes charming people to get them to do what she wants.. Then she nonchalantly and randomly said that she would feel nothing if a car hit me and I died, that she would just get over it... These were horrible things to hear, but at that high school age, I thought Martha was just talking like that because of the abuse she was going through at home. I thought to myself "maybe she is just feeling numb from abuse, or she is picking up some bad habits from her mom". Her mom was a truly manipulative, evil person. She gave me the creeps whenever I saw her, and she would smile to my family's face, while later Martha would tell me that her mom was insulting me and my family behind our backs, looking down on us for being "rural", and stuff like that. All of these things were confusing, but I just was focused on my schoolwork and tried not to care.

Then, in first year of university, problems with Martha really began...

So one night, Martha weirdly interviewed me. Saying that since we were talking about her mom so much, she didn't get to hear more about me. She asked what my hobbies were, what my childhood was like, what my relationship with my parents is like, and a bunch of questions like that. I was a little hurt that after 4+ years of friendship, she didn't know these things about me already. I tried to tell her before, but she wouldn't ask many questions or take much interest in me, turning the conversation back to her, with me always taking the listening role. She even said that I was like her therapist, and even better than a therapist. I just strove to be there for her. Still, I always thought that it all just because she was super stressed because of her mom and needed someone to hear her.

So, during that interview, I told her about my hobbies, which basically consisted of gardening, reading about psychology, and listening to music. And I tried to tell her about my family issues. I think I minimized the problems as much as I could though, which I have a tendency of doing because I don't want to burdened anyone. So I said that my dad would sometimes yell at me for hours, but that it has gotten better in the last year (He hadn't yelled at me for months when I started university) and since he was a truck driver, he would often be on the road and I wouldn't have to see him that often anyway. I also said I had a great relationship with my mom, who was like a best friend for me. So I didn't explain all of the details of my family situation, and was trying to be as grateful and positive as possible. I never liked complaining about my home-life, and was going to therapy and everything anyways, so I figured I would save that for there. Later I would see how she held this interview against me...

So, Martha left her mom's home as soon as she turned 18. I was there for her during that whole process, even if it meant talking for several hours a day, every day, while I had schoolwork. I simultaneously had my own troubles of not being able to move away from home too, and other troubles. My dad started verbally abusing me again, while my love interest was also emotionally abusing me, and my professor too (he was very vulgar and offensive; this 70 year old professor later went on to marry a 20 year old student that I knew..). My grades were starting to suffer too, something that was very disconcerting to a conscientious student like me, and I started to have health problems too, ultimately developing an anxiety disorder.

In the beginning of that year, I admitted to Martha that I was starting to feel a bit depressed.. In a very strange, fake, condescending voice, she replied "Oh, we all feel that way sometimes". The tone of the voice was very disturbing, but I decided not to comment on it. She then proceeded to ask me about why don't I call her first as often.. I said something like "I don't really know why, just been busy" and that I will try to call more often.

The condescending tone continued and worsened. In the middle of the year, when I was feeling really depressed and experiencing the anxiety disorder very strongly, and having problems with my family and with my love interest continuing to abuse me, I tried to talk with Martha about me. She responded in a very deeply condescending and contemptful tone, making all kinds of contemptful sounds and saying "oh, just get over it... Your family is nice... go do something creative..." And then when I told her that I was starting to worry about my grades and had gotten worst grades that semester, she practically laughed at me and said "I got all A's even though I've been going through this stressful situation of moving from my mother".

But then she continued to call me to support and listen to /her/. It all revolved around her. She would complain how she was expected to do the dishes at the new home she was at. She would complain about how she was not able to make friends at work. All these little things, while my depression, anxiety disorder, and health problems were irrelevant to her. I kept thinking that it was because of the stress she was going through. She told me that she was on birth control too and that it was making her a bit irrational and messing with her emotions, so I thought that it could be that too. I felt bad because I know that she had been through a lot, but at the same time, I could not afford to put myself on the chopping block. I had my own problems and stress. I was having panic attack almost every day all summer that year. I didn't feel like talking with anyone. I didn't trust anyone, and I had little support system anyway. I felt no one cared about me.

Then one day, I tried to call her to tell her about some good news that had happened to me, and she responded with the most sarcastic "Oh, great to hear from you again", but it was the most sarcastic, evil tone, trying to punish me for not calling earlier when I was struggling with anxiety and depression and couldn't talk to anyone, especially not her because everytime I tried, she responded condescendingly. Then she hung up the phone on me. This was so frustrating and saddening!! I had spent years listening to this girl and helping her, while she couldn't empathize with me one bit!!

I decided I wouldn't ever call or message her again. Then she sent me a message, asking me to help nominate her for a scholarship. She had the audacity to ask me for a favor after being so sarcastic and rude with me on the phone, messaging/calling me only now when she needs me for the nomination, what entitlement! Not even caring how I feel. I tried to help nominate her, but my computer was experiencing issues, so I wasn't able to. She seemed mad at that.

So at some point I had enough and wrote a long text message saying that I simply don't want to talk on the phone that much, that I'm an introvert anyway and don't like talking that much, and that I have been experiencing health problems, anxiety and depression, and just trying to keep up with my schoolwork and career plans, and talking/hanging out with my other friends and family too, and that if she doesn't like it, then she doesn't have to talk with me anymore. She didn't respond to that, giving silent treatment.

Then a month later, she has her boyfriend messaging me asking "Why do you and Martha not talk anymore?" I know she had abused him in the past too, making him cut himself and do humiliating things, as well as telling me his personal business even though I know asked about it or wanted to hear that. I was so mad at this point! I wanted to directly confront her and tell her boyfriend exactly what happened, I know that she was probably reading his text messages too; but at the same time, I worried about direct confrontation because I had listened to a youtube video that gave the advice of "never directly confront a psychopath/sociopath about what they did, they will just deny it and abuse you more", and at this point, I was pretty convinced that she was psycho/sociopath! Or at least an abuser. And I knew from experience with my father that trying to tell an abuser what they did only leads them to abusing more, I learned that the hard way many times growing up. So I just said "Well, she has not been empathetic towards my problems and I don't like the way she talked about Rosalind, and I have better ways to invest my time." Then her boyfriend said "Maybe it was a misunderstanding, Martha wants YOU to call her to talk about it." No, not falling into that trap!! Just going to gaslight me and talk condescendingly to me on the phone, blaming me for everything! I said "no." And he's like "well, that's sad." What's the saddest fact is I wasted so much time of my youth listening to this fake friend Martha.

Then a week later, Martha sends me this long text message - insulting me and my character, twisting facts, guilt-tripping me, etc. etc. Reading that was horrible. I started to doubt had I acted too brash, should I had tried to talk the issue through with her, had I done the right thing, was it all just because she was going through a horrible time? A million questions with no hope of fair discussion. She even added at the message "I hope you never hurt anyone like you hurt me." What?! What had I even done to hurt you, my gosh! It reminded me of when my father said that I was evil and ruined the family, after I had to call the cops on him because he was choking my mom and threatening to kill her while he was drunk. I had always tried to be there for her, listen to her whenever she needed someone to talk with, validate her and see her perspective, everything to be the best and most supportive friend I could be, all with the intention of helping her, never expecting anything in return except basic respect.

I responded back to her as calmly as I could, trying to explain, and even to apologize if I had done anything wrong. I was literally wracking my brain trying to think if I ever did something wrong to her what realizing it, trying to remember if I said anything wrong, or if there was any misunderstanding. Trying to see if there was any way that I deserved this. I couldn't believe that someone would lash out at me for no reason.

Then she wrote back another character assassinating tirade! Writing all kinds of things. Saying that she felt like I just threw her away and that I was playing mind games with her?? What??? How was I playing mind games with her?? I just wanted to distance myself from her that last year so that I could maintain my own emotional well-being, schoolwork, and sanity!! But then when she said that, I started to doubt myself, was I too brash? Maybe she was doing all this because of her mother and the stress and birth control pills? Should I had tried to talk with her about it more? Should I have called more often? In my response, I even apologized and said that my conscience was hurting me. Then she did not respond after that and I have not heard from her since (thankfully).

A bit after that, I realized that I had nothing to apologize for. In fact, I sometimes feel embarrassed and defeated that I even apologized, because then she probably feels like she was right and that she "won". Even though now when I look back, I can see that the situation wasn't my fault. But often I'll experience self-doubt and think was there any way I could have handled the situation better or been a better friend? I truly don't know. And for the last two years+, I have been having ruminating thoughts about this situation, self-doubt on and off, and even guilt, asking myself was there anything I could have done more? I don't know what I could have done. I felt so hurt and betrayed, and was struggling during that time too. What do you all think? And how can I move forward and forget about this?

What's worse is I even tried to tell a friend about it and warn her about Martha, and I was afraid that Martha would talk to her first and tell her lies, so I wanted to tell my friend before that happened so Martha doesn't affect her opinion of me and make me lose that friendship. However, I don't know if I explained it to my friend correctly, maybe my friend felt like I was gossiping by telling about Martha, because now she seems to be acting suspicious towards me. :/ So I'm really at a loss at how to handle any of this anymore and it causes me a lot of emotional and mental pain.