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Did you know I loved you?
I'm not subtle.
I never have been.
Did you see the glances?
Did you notice the way
I marvelled at your successes,
And longed to hold you
Through your failures?
Did you ever see
The way I must have looked
When you ranted?
So full of passion.
I could watch your eyes sparkle for days.
I could watch you smile,
And your face light up.
It made me happy
Just to witness your joy.
Did you know
How much I thought about you?
How much I wished
I could reach out
Any time of day or night,
And you would be there.
Did you know that?
Do you know it now?
Did you know you're beautiful?
Did you know you're loved?
Did you know you make the world brighter? Did you know you outshine the sun?
Did you know how cruel you can be? You pushed me away once. It broke my heart.
Did you know that someone noticed your bad habits? You bite your nails, pick at your face. And you push people away when you're hurting. I do it too. Did you know that? Did you know that I never cared? I loved you anyway, despite and because of your flaws.
Did you know I love you still?
Did you know I tried to stop?
It never worked.
Did you know I meant the dark jokes? I wanted to die some days. Did you know you saved my life that day, when I was ready to jump onto the freeway, and you walked by, and stopped, and spoke to me, and snapped me out of it. It was so casual. And yet it changed everything, didn't it?
I used to think you fixed me. I'd always hoped for someone to come along and fix me, but you did better, you helped me start to fix myself. You made me want to.
Do you even know how wonderful you are?
Perfect? No. Definitely not. If you were perfect, you wouldn't break my heart. You would feel for me in a way you never have, in the way I do for you. You'd never shut me out. The rest of the world, fine, sometimes, I understand, but not me, never me.
Do you know how much I cry over you?
And if you did, would you know it's worth it? Worth the laughs and joy and friendship and love. Could you understand that? Could you understand that to me, we are unconditional? No strings attached. I love you without obligation or expectation.
I've never said the words to you. Do you know? I think you do. I say it in actions, every day, because if I say the words you'll misunderstand. You'll think I expect you to leave the one you're dating. To love me back. I don't.
All I want is us. The way we are? Close friends? If it keeps you with me, lets you hug me and laugh with me and lets me be with you at all? Okay. That's all I need. Or at least, that's what I can't afford to lose.
Even if you think it's platonic.
Please.
For the love of god.
Know that you're loved.
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