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I feel as though I’m losing my mind. Well at this point it’s more like I already lost it. My sanity, my hope, all lost down a drain of despair. I’m exhausted, so tired of everything. Every moment of the day grating against my resolve to keep going. There is the saying ignorance is bliss and I fully agree. Being able to be oblivious to what really goes on in life. One would not know the highest of highs or the lowest of lows. Some say the highs are worth it and without the lows you wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the true joys. At this moment I disagree. I wish with the full extent of my heart that I could go back to that state of true ignorance. Like a child who has had no experiences and cannot grasp what is going on around them. In ignorance there is a state of innocence that once lost is never retrievable.
“Childlike Wonder” they call the feeling that represents the attempt of children to break out of their ignorance, desperately trying to figure out what is going on in the world. They look upon so many things for the first time with awe. Little do they know of the horrors that await them in the shadows. Most adults attempt to shield them from such deplorable world attributes for a time, softening the blow they bring or hiding it from them altogether. Sometimes they do this job well and other times they don’t even realize what the child is actually comprehending that will haunt them later. It is all just of matter of time before it creeps up within them, leaving its mark when re-evaluated.
Unfortunately, one does not know they are ignorant because they are ignorant of that in and of itself. Once one knows something, there is no going back to unknowing it. That piece of information is forever burned into the consciousness of their minds. The harder one tries to forget, the deeper it burns itself, leaving more and more damage. It’s like a figurine, once broken one can attempt to glue the pieces back together, but the object will never fully be the same. The broken arm can be reattached, but the line where it broke will forever be there. It can be almost like new, but never actually new again. Depending on the damage it may not even be repairable.
Human relationships are quite the same. Once a rift has been made, one can attempt to fix it, but it will never be the same. Maybe it can’t be fixed. The other person also has a part to play, but what if they don’t think the cut is worth fixing. Especially if they feel hurt or betrayed. When does one know to give up? How does one learn to move on? The waves of feelings keep washing over me again and again. I feel so trapped in them like I’m helplessly glued down unable to run away and free myself as they violently crash over me, suffocating me so often I’m surprised I haven’t completely succumbed to drowning in them yet.
It would be so much easier if I was ignorant to the devastation taking your own life has on the world in your personal bubble. It’s like person walking into a public place with everyone they have ever known all around them and blowing themselves up. They were at the core, instantly vaporized. They are gone so quick they couldn’t feel the blast. Depending on how close a person was, the more injured they would most likely be. Some may be lucky enough to walk away without a scratch. That doesn’t exempt the people in the background getting hit with a piece of shrapnel and losing a leg as a result. They weren’t the intended target, they weren’t even considered as a potential victim, but they are hurt nevertheless.
I could never do this to the people in my bubble, especially since some were wounded in someone else’s explosion. Unfortunately, this knowledge doesn’t stop the hurt inside of me, the pain that cuts deep, leaving my half dead corpse bleeding out on the floor. I tore into my own chest, ripping my heat out. It’s all my fault, it’s always been my fault. Where did I get so warped and twisted? I break everything I touch. Anyone who enters into my life is in danger. I am the weight that drags them down and then I strike my final blow, ruining as much as possible. What went wrong? Why does it always go wrong?
People say it will get better and it will be okay eventually. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. Why do I feel like it never really has for me? Those old injuries are still there, maybe scabbed over a bit, but with an accidental bump they are bleeding all over again. The blood pours out like the wound just happened. I want so badly to heal. I know life always has its setbacks but why are they always so major? Everything always ends up going so wrong, over and over in a repetitious loop. I am unable to escape and run away. No matter what choice I make, I blink and end up right back on the same path, hurt and confused and alone. Always alone. I meticulously set up my house of cards, just to knock it over myself and watch it come crashing down. And somewhere along its way down it catches fire and burns all the pieces so I can’t even attempt to remake what I had. I always end up lost and alone, attempting to start over with a new deck. It gets old after so many times. I feel as though I've lost all motivation to try again.
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Speak for yourself !
ReplyYou realize that's what this is right... speaking for myself and my thoughts.
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