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As a husband I feel like I have failed. I am supposed to be the strong one. The provider, the protector and the one that can make my wife's dreams come true. Now there is not a lack of love between us. I love her more than ever and I feel her love back. But there is this dark cloud lingering over our marriage. In this cloud there are some very troubling things for us. We are trying to have a child and are not having any success. We keep going to the doctors and they are trying to stay positive but I feel like they know it will never happen and just won't tell us. She has always dreamt of having kids so I cant imagine how she must feel through this. I always knew I would have kids but it wasn't until about 2 years ago that I really felt like I "wanted" kids if that makes sense. Everybody around us is getting pregnant. A lot of accidents. And it infuriates us that we cant get pregnant when trying everything we can and people who dont even want kids are out there popping out kids like it's no big deal. I know its jealousy the gets the best of us, but it still hurts. We dont know how to talk to each other about it. When we try we just get depressed and angry. We are in our early 30's so there is no secret that we are running out of time. We are running out of time on a lot of things in our black cloud. We are still renting a small 2 bedroom apartment. We both make good money. And we are trying to save up for a house but it doesnt feel like we are getting anywhere. We both want a little house in the country with a porch and a decent yard. Sounds easy enough to find right? Wrong! There are no houses that we can realistically afford. I have never felt like more of a failure over anything than I feel right now over this. This issue has consumed me. I stress over it night and day. As a machinist i work 6 days a week 10-12 hrs a day trying to get enough money. But something always seems to come up that drains every bit of it away. She deserves the house she has always wanted. We have talked about it and it's nothing unrealistic like a mansion or anything. I just feel like I am not ever going to be able to get her a nice house. She tells me that we will get there one day but I know she doesnt believe the words that she says. She is having a lot of health issues. I know she is super stressed over them. We are both very overweight. And we both feel powerless to change it. We are mentally weak. Food is our go to. We dont smoke, we dont drink or anything like that. Its food. That is our drug. It sounds stupid. I realize that. And neither one of us ever saw ourselves this way. I played football in high school and stayed active for 5 or 6 years after that. She was never into sports but she was an absolute model, and she knew it. When we met we were both a little heavy but nothing like we are today. I can see her depression. And it kills me. She eats as a stress reliever as do I. She is the love of my life and I would do anything for her but I dont know how to help her if I cant help myself. We have great intentions on the weekends. "Come Monday we are going to go walking and start to eat healthier" then Monday comes and I have been on my feet for 12 hrs my legs are aching. She has a stressful job in a doctor's office. And its like when we get home the thought of anything but sitting in the recliner and watching TV goes out the window. All I am asking for out of life is that when I am old grey and wrinkled is to be sitting on my porch with my wife out in the country and know that I gave her the best life she could imagine. And right now I am failing at that. We are both miserable.(not with each other) but just so many issues with life and we feel powerless to control.
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I can hear how stressed you are. Having a baby will add to that stress. Financially, physically and mentally. Maybe this is chance to become a little healthier (mind, body, soul) before getting pregnant. Write down some goals, and start today! Stress is a factor in not being able to get pregnant. Look up some ways to practice self care. As for working yourself to the point of exhaustion for a house with a porch, do you think you will enjoy that home, if you are so exhausted? Home is where the heart is. Quality of life is where you will find satisfaction. You sound like you have a strong relationship with your wife. Write down some goals with each other to improve your quality of life. Take 6 months to regroup. Then try again. You are still young, you have plenty of time to procreate..
ReplyYou will not fail if you have loved. Ever.
I know you are tired. And sometimes what we reach for is an endless cycle that makes us tired. Eating, what we eat. We have to recognize what is our enemy. And see it as such. What to stay away from. You have a great reason to fight. But I know fighting is tiring. I know that feeling.
Maybe you need to give a home to a child who needs/prays for it just as bad as you need that new life in your life. Or once you start believing in that good life is for you & yours for the taking things will fall into place.
All my best & may you find your joy of life before the child comes.
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