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I have no where good to say this now where I won't come off as a liar or attention seeker. Maybe I am i'm not sure these days.
Hopefully posting this will mean I can just forget it and have said my truth just once.
I was in a relationship for 5 years which ended 3 years ago - No big deal just we both were going in different directions and grew apart. He knew me well, as childhood/teenage partners do given their insight into your upbringing. My abuse as a child came up once and it was hard for him to digest, after that I avoided sharing those things to keep things simple.
We were friends with mostly his guy mates - I had a few close girlfriends from way back but I chose to leave most of my lot behind when I went to college in order to focus on my studies so I could get into medical school. I didn't mind - his friends were sweet and fun and we had some good times drinking and going out.
We went through a phase one time where we would share a bed at one friends in town, I was drunk and the friend agreed to take me home so my boyfriend could stay out. My memory admittedly isn't great but I remember getting back to his, getting into my underwear to sleep and getting into bed. I woke up to him spooning me, and feeling me and kissing me. I was still drunk and immediately felt guilty, I started crying and told him to get off. I don't remember but I must of fallen asleep. When I woke up the next morning my boyfriend was back and the three of us were in bed, they carried on like nothing happened and for whatever reason, guilt and fear of what would happen I forgot about it and said nothing.
Now, years later and 3 years after we broke up (and don't talk) I hear from people back home that the friend told my ex that we 'got with each other' during our relationship. My ex apparently fired him from his job and the two have fallen out. I don't feel guilty about their friendship, I barely have ties to any of them now, but I feel confused about why this has come up now. And I can't figure out if I blame myself or not. Maybe it was my fault - for being in my underwear in that bed, for saying nothing. Honestly I was so drunk I barely remember what happened, maybe I did something and I deserve to feel guilty. But I just remember the crying and the pushing and it doesn't fit.
Anyway whatever I say now will go down as self defensive or lies as I never told the truth in the first place and him admitting now puts him on a level above me. So i'll just whisper it here, and try and forget about it.
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It wasn’t your fault
ReplyIt wasn't your fault and dont ever feel like it was! Alcohol is a bad thing. The universe (or God if you believe) throws things at you to make you struggle. You are strong! Something much better will happen in your life. You wont ever forget but you can move on from this incident. You have to accept that it happened. That's the first step.
I wish you the best! And hope life brings you many great things!
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