PLEASE READ THIS AND REPLY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I am a 17 year old girl in a third world country living in a small city with no good gyms or fitness centres. I weigh 83 kg (183 lbs). I have always been bullied in school because i was an obese child thanks to my mother not taking care of me when i was in her womb. I am suffering so much because of her. I hate this. Apart from school my cousins and family members have always made jokes on my weight and appearance. And the worst of all, my own family makes fun of me and makes me feel like i pathetic loser. They have always told me i am overweight and how i look ugly. My mom once told me she is embarrassed to take me anywhere. I remember once i tried on my purple silk frock and my mother started insulting me (and later she made me wear the same frock on a party because she didn't want to get me a new dress). So there i was looking in the mirror at myself, the frock wasnt even my size. It was really tight. I was hating my body. My fat arms. I didnt wear heels because i thought i would look too huge. One day i was going to buy sandals and my mom asked me what you want to buy. I told her i want heels and she said dont buy heels fat people dont look good in them. My mom would actually keep a check on my diet while my siblings were allowed to eat whatever they want. so it became a challenge for me to eat everything without letting her know. And i got my results. A huge belly like a 5 month pregnant woman, double chin, huge thighs. I hate my body right now. My mother even forced me twice and made me join gym. But what good it would have done. Now for as long as i can remember there was not a single day when I was not scolded or yelled at for not exercising or walking. I think exercise, walk, sports and dance are fun.. but whenever i start it all those times i was forced to do it flash in my mind and i hate it. I just hate it. My mother is responsible

for my anxiety, depression, low self esteem, poor behaviour, being anti social. She literally yells at me for everything. Like i have an exam and i was invited to a dinner which was really unimportant and she started shouting at me for not going. i mean let me live in peace. PEACE IS ALL I WANT. PEACE OF MIND. SOLITUDE. but in this house i dont even get my privacy. I cant move out of my house unless im married (this is how it works in my country: live in your father's house then move to your husband's house). i hate this too. I want to become an independent woman with ny own house and everything. so when things really got out of control i became a rebel. I would avoid sitting with my mother because of all the negative talk she would always start. now i dont listen to her. And now she is like what cruelty have i ever done on you that you dont even sit in the same room as me. And one day she said she wouldnt get me a new dress and i told her no matter what i will buy a new dress and she starts crying and goes like FORGIVE ME, FORGIVE ME. BUT KEEP IN MIND THOSE CHILDREN WHO ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT THEIR PARENTS GET NOWHERE IN LIFE. So now i want to do something big which i dont know what should be. anyway right now my problem is i do want to lose weight and i enjoy dancing but i dont have time from it and i have negative past experiences related to exercise and weight loss which i cant forget. I break down and cry a lot. i feel helpless and lonely. I also have health problems because of my weight bbutincant leave food and start exercise. my mother has to ruin everything for me and i hate her for doing this to me. I dont remember when was the last time she smiled at me and loved me like a mother. I am yearning for a loving person in my life but there is none.