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I'm just going to go straight for it. I'm pretty young so I'm influenced by tons of things around me and I still have a lot to learn, but I want to find a path for myself and how to better it. I have problems including but not limited to anxiety, depression, paranoia, anger issues, self-esteem issues , stress, and some other things I'd rather not go into. I'm a YouTuber and people would make fun of my voice and they would hate me because of how I spoke and how weird and different people saw me. I always feel like an outsider, as if I'm that weird cousin that lives so far away. I'm not surrounded by my family much, I live pretty far away so I don't have to capability to get closer to any of my family members. We could always text or talk over the phone, but it's not the same. My problems came persistent since 6th grade. I used to get bullied in my first week and people would push me, judge me, and I couldn't make any friends. After the first week I went to another school, I was fine there for a couple days. I grouped up with some of my elementary friends, but a few weeks later they showed interests towards other people. I was the only one not moving on. I cried days for days because soon I was alone, so I had to go out my way and try to make friends. I made these friends of mine, and I felt weird as well because they weren't like me or showed similar interests with me. As 6th grade developed, I stuck with that group of friends and told all my elementary friends to just leave me alone. As time went on, I got self esteem issues, at the time I had glasses and they were pretty big and they made my big nose seem bigger than usual and I felt judged. That's when the idea of contacts appeared in my head. 7th grade came and it was a little bit better but the same, I felt judged, I felt like I couldn't be myself on school premises. I cried more than usual and my grades started going down, not like really bad to the point they were F's, they were just C's and B's. After half of 7th grade passed, I convinced my parents to get me contacts, and I fortunately got them on January 2nd. I was so happy because I instantly felt better, like an instant boost of self esteem. At this time, I had a crush on this guy who I know wouldn't ever like me, well here I go following him on Instagram. He followed me back and I was really happy. I especially remember this one day, Valentine's Day, I felt happy and encouraged, I wasn't trying anything risky of course lol. I had this urge to look at his profile to check up on him, because he was my crush, you know? I found out he unfollowed me. I cried so much that day, I blasted all this romantic music but after I found out, I turned off the music and just broke down. Ever since that day, I don't encourage myself to get attached to anybody, because if something happens, I will be the one broken. I was weird and funny in front of my friends, sometimes they'd laugh, sometimes they'd just stare at me strangely. It was whatever though, I knew what their interests were and I didn't push it much. 8th grade came, and the game changed. Ever since 6th grade, I had this stomach problem. I would take showers in the morning and I would shiver thinking about school and I would feel sick to my stomach. I'm sure you know what happens next. Well, 8th grade this happened frequently every week, I would hate going to school. I'd always be in 7th period, tapping my pencil on the desk waiting for those last 5 minutes to go up. I would be so happy at my house and I would leave all my home work to do at the night time. I started getting huge eyebags since 6th grade from having nightmares, not getting persistent sleep, and just simply sleeping late. That contributed to my self-esteem issues. My family did whatever they can to fix my stomach problem. They would call the doctor, schedule appointments frequently, and I even got a specialist. They couldn't find anything wrong. I feel like my stomach problems are linked to the issues I have. One day, my family brought up the idea of online school, I instantly tuned in. I started questioning my friend who is home schooled about her program and what not, she gave me all the information I needed and 3 weeks after Winter Break, I finally got into an online school program. I would've expected all my issues to go away, but they didn't. I often have these weird nightmares and memories. My nightmares aren't linked to my issues, but my memories often alert me of public school and it stresses me out. I've been with a therapist for a session and I'm looking forward to the next session. I really hope I could feel happy, and I might've left out a lot, but this is all that came to mind. I love you all , and make sure to spread positive vibes! <3
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