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you know who you are, the same person that taught me to believe in myself and yet left me questioning everything i ever knew about myself.
the same person who made me laugh but slowly turned those giggles into endless nights of tears. Left me wondering why this kept happening to me, why people change so quickly when just yesterday they were crying over the thought of losing you. Left me questioning myself and the person i try to be, questioning me. Tore me apart and left me emotionally done. Felt afraid. Confused. Upset. Then came back begging a second chance. threatening my well-being with yours. I had to pick and i chose you over me. I still feel the weight of that decision on me today. Played with my emotions. Manipulated me into believing the same words i accepted the first time around. Then came the third and the fourth and the fifth time around; expect I was smarter than that. in all of this time, I never understood the word selfish even when it stood right in front of me. Because while I said i couldn't, you said you wouldn't. But i would if i could, while you wouldn't even if you could and that was the difference between the fate of our two souls. Months later your words still haunt me. They taunt the self progress and steps in recovery made, and even though the volume is down, the echo still exists. Its like a loud stereo. Why turn the volume down when you can just unplug it completely? Thats the only way through to the brighter side. It's the fear of getting electrocuted that holds you back. The words, the supressed sadness, the hurt you felt for months. How can i accept that someone is capable of causing anyone so much hurt; so much destruction. It's like ripping a band aid off. That's the scary process of confrontation and acceptance. Accepting was the hardest. I tried to unplug the stereo one day. I got tired of the same echo over and over again and tried to end the noise. What good was feeling anyways? Everything came back all at once, it was like releasing a lion from its den. i didn't anticipate that much sorrow and grief from the loud noise which were only echos moments ago. I was numb for months beforehand, yet it felt brand new all over again. i struggled and dropped down to my lowest. Everywhere i looked around me I saw the smiles on the faces of others that i once saw on myself. "You dont smile anymore like you used to." I felt this longing for that smile, before I let you tear me apart. and I thought, "Why give you so much power over me when youre not even here? when im just another person that came and left? The people around me deserve better and ive always deserved more than you." I was just so afraid to think that for the longest time because i thought it would make me as selfish as you. Turns out, there's no one way to deal. I didn't unplug the stereo. I just tuned the echo. The chilling and haunting echos were tossed and exchanged for words of encouragement and optimism. Self-Love. I pressed play and I've never felt more alive and more free. The same person you left afraid and tired for months came back with more to offer to the world, but most importantly, to herself. Rosy cheeks and a radiant smile. Two things of mine that i wouldn't trade for anything. I get emotional still, not because i still think about how we ended, but how i began. the emotional rebirth into who i've always wanted to be. How blessed i am to have the people i've always wanted. On the way to recovering from what felt like an eternity of anguish. I've forgiven it all, and put my faith into God. I feel no burden or stress, just pure bliss. New people guiding me, and the old still holding my hand along the way. I have a long way to go. But i'm different. This time is different. It's different. Different, how? Because if you ask me now, I wouldn't even if i could. That doesn't make me selfish, just aware of my worth in this world. But i still would if i could. Just not for you.
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