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For the longest time, I’ve never really truly felt true love. There’s been many occasions where i simply Thought i was In love. But through all the down fall in my life... things can twist a persons mentality and intentions to near insanity. I for One, have an issue sleeping. Idk if I’m the only one but i for Sure think of everything. All my actions. All my choices. All my answers. To how i got To where i was Today. I wanted True love so bad it nearly blinded me to who i was... i didnt Recognize myself. My friends and family think I’m an idiot for my choices. I agree With them. But i wanted Love so bad. The special kind you know? I was Loved by family and friends but i wanted That one outsider i could Truly consider my other half. From trying to find one, I’ve realized how truly closed off i really Am. Why do i do These things? Why do i allow It actually. For example. The one person that everyone around me thinks I’m a major idiot for associating my life with... his names Austin. From the day i met Him, he’s never been the romantic type. He knew what he wanted. Stubborn. Quiet. Smart. Ambitious. I admired Him. I guess You could say i let my guard down. Over time... i eventually Found out i was Pregnant. I actually Found out after surgery. While recovering. He promised me the world. He’d come see me. Come take care. Love. Etc. etc. even drugged up and barely able to move, i got A group snap chat. It was from him. I figured It was a good time to try to talk about ‘it’. But it was a group snap chat containing other girls. Who oddly had the same name as me... they added me. Asked who i was. She explained how she was Austin’s gf. Of 3 months... the rage in me. I’m not the type to raise my voice or be aggressive. I suppose The drugs post surgery had a role to play in this... but when i went To see him. I was Furious. Betrayed. I threw Stuff. Peanuts actually. Like I’m not a scary person and my ideal of things to throw was opening a jar of peanuts and throwing them. Handfuls of peanuts. But he wanted her. I let It happen. Right there and then. I let Him go. But his mother and him insisted i stay. Where he lives. Have him take care of me. He’d come. Care for me. I was To weak... i mean I just Had surgery and i found Out I’m a few months pregnant. He tried telling me he’s not interested in this other girl. That he would fix the damage he’s done. That’s nice. Alright. He got a new phone. As i laid there. Resting. He’d go to work. At work he’d be on his phone. His old phone which is functional was connected to whatever he was doing at work. He was talking to her. On tinder. Talking bad about me. Wants me to get rid of the mistake. Im was once again let down. I nevertheless truly understood how someone could be so two faced. I watched This happen for a week. I could Barely get up from bed... by the end of it. Got down on my knees. Asked him... to simple stop this. Not normal human being would enjoy this behavior. If I’m such an ugly person why be with me? If I’m so unwanted? Why keep me around. I have Read online that he probably thinks I’ll always be there for him or I’m a last resort. Last option. But even as i cry And ask him to leave me so i wont Have to feel this pain... all he could say is that I’m “sweet and loving” and he can’t leave me no matter how hard he tries.
When i miscarried. He did leave.
I tried Moving on. Pretending what happen before has never happen.
After a few months he tells me he’s “going to leave Her” and that he wanted “cuddles, the sweet smiles, the big brown eyes” looking back at him once more. He wanted “home cooked meals, hugs, the smell of candy and silly jokes”... he left her because she was a bikini barista and he considered her “impure”. Once again... i was An idiot. For nearly a year later. I stayed With him. Not once did i receive a compliment. No thank yous. No please. I’ve had stuff throw at me cause I’m clumsy. I’ve been called ugly because i looked Like a mess after cleaning. I’ve been yelled at. But what’s so pathetic of me... when i was consider good... he’d pet my head as if I’m some dog. Talks about moving me to where his family is. The funny thing is.... (FYI) he’s army... the people who care for me tell me everything. Yenno how it is. Small world and all. The way he talks about me... says he could do better than me. But here i am Doing laundry, dishes, cooking... his boss came over and walked in on me changing. Instead of asking if i was okay... i got Yelled at for being naked when i was Simply changing. ive never hadn’t the balls to leave him. Some part of me is scared to leave.
I recently Went grocery shopping.
The weirdest thing happen.
A very good looking man approached me. Told me i was Absolutely beautiful. I felt Tiny. He toward over me. He explained very quickly how he walked passed me a few times trying to come up with something to say. But “beautiful” is all he could think of. I never Had this happen before. I figured Out his name. Simple introduction.
A few weeks later. He some how manages to find out who i am. I told Austin if i could Meet him for coffee. Have a new friend. He said sure. We met for coffee. Exchanged numbers. Talked.
Long story short. I never Felt confident in my own skin before. Idk how to describe how this feels. It’s new tbh.
Sorry if this a rambling rant. Just thinking.
I feel Like when Austin leaves to go back home for good... maybe for once... i can Disappear from his reach and leave for good.
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