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Living with and Managing Depression & PTSD
I am sure many people can relate to the symptoms and causes of Depression & PTSD!
I have been living with depression most of my life and been in denial up on until recent years! The PTSD has only been recognised in the past year.
I’ve had PTSD all my life to, however back in 70’s/80’s it was an uncommon diagnose and if it were diagnosed you had be a soldiers or it was only for soldiers!
PTSD can occur from major non war related trauma, for example if you have been continuously abused mentally, physically and sexually will that not have an effect on psyche?
I wast repeatedly sexually assaulted, the one time at the age of 2 was bad enough! and yes I remember, even little babies remember! However I have finally came to terms with in my 40’s.
I also witnessed verbal and physical abuse on more than one of occasion with the extended family and then we moved around a few to many times before the age of 5 and that’s no fault of anyones.
Through school I found it hard to learn and I look back now and I understand why, I needed learning to be adapted in more simpler terms, more process orientated things needed to be broken now.
As consequence I then lacked focus, which made it harder, along with being bullied. I felt like a misfit an outsider.
I wanted to be free and joyance and just be me, unfortunately I couldn’t with this weight hang over me and tied to me, along with cultural and society conditioning.
So life because difficult and lonely, memories would come and go about the assault, when I was 16 I remember telling a friend, not in so many words what had happened as toddler, she didn’t saying I don’t think, but then what could she say?? She was only a child herself properly didn’t quite understand.
Obviously the original memory was deeply embedded in me and led me to have a weak bladder on off, reflux acid for about 20 years of life along with other illnesses!
The trigged memory started when I use to go to religious study classes, the teacher would hold my hand under the table whilst praying or pull my cheeks. I told my mum and she stopped me going there and then, no hesitation, no question nothing and I am internal appreciation, because we all know how families brush situations under the carpet!!!!
After that life just went on in the conditioned existing way one lives. In my early twenties I ended up being in a 3 year relationship with someone who was mentally and physically abusive. As you can imagine this deepen the wounds of abuse which were nicely took away and I ended up becoming an angry, passive aggressive person in the process.
In my late twenties I got married! that was mediocre ! and I ended up making myself very ill and hospitalised. I wanted to end the marriage and didn’t know how!
So I manifested sickness unconsciously this seemed easy as we didn’t speak emotions or true feelings and I when I did, it was ignored or ‘brushed under the carpet’, so illness was an easy way to get everyone attention! Writing about its now sounds so OMG! Of course lots people can relate to this!
People will say why didn’t you stand you for yourself or make a stand! In reality these situations/circumstance aren’t always easy and not everyone has the strength, obviously now I am completely different person and would not make the same mistakes.
The most important point being that people who have suffered abuse the throat chakra becomes out of balance and either suppresses your voice or you over speak to compensate I was the prior!
Someone once said to me your manifest abilities are powerful, I give her a funny luck, upon until recently I understand what she meant and now I am starting to learn how to manifest positively and healing myself in the process.
Through self the art of self healing I learnt my depression would start to trigger when I was unhappy especially in jobs and relationships as felt helpless and powerless.
When you’re in a longer term relationship you have thoughts of leaving or knowing that you have out grown the person you are with or you weren’t on the same script to start off with. Then you are in doubt is the mind playing tricks, is it because things are getting stale and you want more, then the little chestnuts of what about the finances, you will be alone, you will get lonely, everything is in relationships and you will be the outcast, you will have start over and so!
Then you stuff the whole idea in the back of mind and hey presto few months down the line you start to become withdrawn from society and your partner.
I would just want to stay in bed under the covers and wanting life to pass me by or deny the fact I was depressed and burn myself out.
I felt like I was the only person like this and I didn’t know how to recover, the days I was ok i would try and make up for lost time rather than pace myself.
In my forties I actually accepted I get depressed and not feel embarrassed about it, back in 2006 till 2010 I was on anti-depressants on and off. I would remember times thinking if i just took the whole pack once, my mind will stop and I will have peace, I can breath, the headaches will stop.
I had mycoplasma pneumonia and Steven Johnson Syndrome I was hospital for two months - mind, body, soul, heart spirit had been through the wringer, death and rebirth a few times, I remember looking down at myself and thinking poor thing and smelling jasmine the flower of death!
The recovery took years, that’s when the depression was at its rawness, and properly the PTSD was going hey wire to, at that point it wasn’t diagnosed until recently!
At times I wanted to throw myself over the edge, it wasn’t suicidal more to do with being free and the peace and quite and no one around.
I have always been a person who is in the head, overthinking, over processing over analysing, which then added more confusion and brain fog - basically you’re sleeping walking through life being reactive rather than responding accordingly.
Funny at that time the organisation I worked for - who were suppose to support disabilated people were far from this!
Even though Mental Health has more awareness now it still not enough, the amount of people/organisations that are still prejudiced or use against you is astonishing.
Fast forward to the present!
July 2017, I joined a martial arts school, before this I use to do Mauy Thai boxing in the gym it was like your spit and saw dust kind of place.
Going to the school triggered so much suppressed emotion that denied facing! Like I am I good enough to be there, do I deserve to be there, when other students were next to me I would get flashing lights because they would be going really fast, three classes would be going on at once, my spacial awareness and focus was falling to pieces.
I started to act out and retaliate, I wanted to jump on the instructors and just scream, I stopped going for while and switched to the weekend classes which were less busy then moved to first thing morning class and then moved to personal classes.
Looking back now I realise I was picking up on everyone else’s anxieties along with my own. I am so much appreciation that stayed as I wouldn’t have addressed these emotions, I have achieved 9 out of 12 belts :0)
I had my last round of counselling August 2018, I had explained how I felt when I went to the martial art school and buy history of depression and experience of trauma which included assault, work and school bullying.
As we got into the sessions, we together realised it was PTSD the depression had stemmed from that. The martial art classes had triggered the fear of control as in you don’t what the person is going to do and flashing lights were distress signals.
Unfortunately I ended up in job that was draining and that added to the distress, my poor little mind/brain was like spaghetti junction!
I had cellulitis which is inflammation of the skin or internally, I had on my eyelid and the pain of that was driving me crazy to!!!!
The PTSD effected my learning, I always found it difficult especially like formulae’s or anything complex, I needed things to be explained in more easier way or plainer way, and I lacked focus and the school I went to didn’t accommodate accordingly. However I did manage to graduate twice from university.
Now I understand life better, I am able to manage myself better I like quite time, so I can help quite my mind down.
I listen to myself now finally, sleep and rest when I need to do, I don’t care what people say or think I should be doing, I do what is right for me, my soul, spirit and heart.
The whole experience has made me a strong and sensitive, I do think that Mental Health is deep rooted pain from childhood and if manage to over the trauma and the see the opportunity of situation and the blessing, life would be a whole lot better for a majority of humanity.
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