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Time goes on but I'm finding it much more difficult to be happy,satisfied with my life and surroundings.
I can't feel grateful about anything in my life, when nothing has gotten better and I keep finding myself in the same shit hole without any improvement. Despite me wanting to make changes it never works out and I get dragged all over again in the dirt with people taking the piss piss out of me. I get stuck with disloyal and fake friendships.
Have been dealing with a dsyfunctional family that doesn't genuinely gives a fuck about me and make matters worst. I don't feel close but detached from all of my n family members. My romantic relationships end up being toxic, abusive and never loved for the right reasons by any of my partners.
I would give all of my love and never have it returned in the right way that I would want it. What it seems that I get are the fucking creeps and weirdos that claim to have feelings for me, but I'm not even interested and know they exist. Currently, in a long distance relationship for the pass 3 years. Nothing seems to be working out between me and boyfriend. Have been going through so much bullshit because of other people and it effected my relationship with him. Throughout my entire life people have done everything on purpose to destroy,take away and ruin things for me. I get nothing that I want and I don't ask for much. Absolutely nothing ever allows me to be and feel happy. It's hard to see that there's anything out there,including myself to be proud and satisfied with.
I haven't been happy for a very long time and i can't remember the last time I ever was. It hasn't gotten better but worst as time goes on. They say time heals all, but I'm not fucking healed and when I tried to make changes it wasn't good enough. It never made a fucking difference. I have given up trying to be optimistic and positive about anything. Nobody makes my life easier, by giving me hell and bullshit that I really was never needed.
None of the hardships that I've been through has made me into a better person. It hasn't truly been beneficial in a constructive and healthy way.
It is all toxic. It has made me become toxic and bitter about life. My life has turned into a living fucking hell when I didn't deserve any of it. I'm not a bad person but like everyone else in the forsaken world, I'm not perfect and have had my fair share of fuck ups. Doesn't mean I don't deserve a chance to have a good life for myself when I've tolerated and endured alot of harmful situations. I always get fucked over by circumstances, people and surroundings. How the hell am I suppose to be happy, even for the smaller things in life if people just rob that enjoyment from me too? Have nothing left and nothing to lose if I never had it anyways.
People just take and suck everything out of me. Made me out to be a monster and caused damage to my life. People have only put me down then ever lifting me up and saying good things about me. They're all miserable and so they had to put and bring me down with them. I was once a person who had so much light in their heart and life. It has all finally changed and I'm much colder than ever. I'm suppose to be grateful for the bullshit life and people have put me through. I don't give a fuck anymore if I die because I'm little little fucking hope about it. It's not like I was ever told that I'm worthy of any love, happiness and success.
When I die it will be my fuck you to the world, because then I can get some fucking peace for once and be gone for good. I can't bring myself to end my shit life at the moment but since I'm going insane and end up homeless. I just might be pushed enough into killing myself. I never been appreciated and recognized for the things I've done good in this life, except the bad. This is how little hope I have in this life and what little good I've seen out of this.
My life is fucking ruined by many unnecessary things and I don't see the light at the tunnel. I'm just existing for no fucking good reason but be treated unfairly in this life.
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Oh sweet person who suffers so.
You know your woes. They are heavy and weigh you down.
Don’t fall victim to your past.
Practice. Practice. Practice. Gratitude.
It’s the only way out of this.
Name it. Say it out loud. Look in the mirror. Tell yourself you are grateful.
For you mobility.
For your running water.
For your shelter.
For your food.
For the sun.
For the rains.
For life.
You have to love you and know you.
You have to believe in the good in you.
Look in the mirror.
Remind that person staring back who they really are.
You were born in this world as a fresh slate.
Each day is a new day.
Make your new day full of gratitude and appreciate yourself. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.
If you really feel suicidal please call the suicide helpline.
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