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I have been hiding so many feelings thoughts and emotions inside and working myself into the ground trying to run from my head.Half the time or more like most of the time i feel depressed and have thoughts of just ending it all not caring about who i leave behind.I don't really feel happy even though i am in a great loving relationship.I have a fiance but she isn't even with me.She lives in another country so essentially i am by myself.I don't feel loved...i just don't know what to do to make it better because i have been trying to figure it out my whole life.I just want to get drunk,do drugs,cut myself and maybe even take my life to escape.I am a raging hot ball of fire inside and my anger rules my life along with the sadness i feel.I have never felt any different...i can't even feel happiness because i have a wall so high that even i have no way of breaking it down.I have moments of this said happiness but it isn't the happiness i see others have.What is real to me is my pain,my sadness,my anger,and my inability to feel anything else.I have been on so many medications,been hospitalized,and talked to so may counselors but nothing seems to ease this darkness.My life is not my own and more than anything some kind of joke or game that someone has control of.I do not feel like i belong here on this earth and each day that passes i grow fearful that one day i will just take my life and that fear of stopping me will no longer be there.I do not know how much longer this will continue but i do know that it is not getting better and my heart is heavier with each passing day.When i go i will not tell anyone because i do not want anyone to be sad and i will make sure to tell them this in my last letter goodbye.I just need release...i cannot continue to hurt like this and feel as if there is no help.People say all the time there is another way but the truth is no one does truly care because the moment i die is the moment they begin to forget as they did even in life.
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To be happy is a great thing, to be not is something entirely understandable. But what it really comes down to is that you are, alive. There's nothing in this world much more amazing, much crueler and much more daring and than living. Sometimes living is the best thing, sometimes it is the worst, whichever way you view it is the way as you say, someone may not want you to view it. "My life is not my own and more than anything some kind of joke or game that someone has control of". That someone I am sure is the one thing that's turning your life upside down. You know who that person is, you know that person has been above you ever since, and you hate him truly. He's inside you, discouraging and blinding you from all hopes, and tearing you down apart. He is the only thing, your only enemy, and only you are his opponent. Thing is no matter what, we must learn to control our own faith, by our own means and standards. I know you may hear this kind of advice a lot but let me tell you something, Depression is a bitch. And it hurts me as much as it hurts you to see you suffer in pure agony, cruel world. So what if you die? how can you be sure that death has the answer, or is just your "someone" who is also blinding you to believe it is. By all means, stay, you are the path you walk, and only you can determine your faith. If you feel as if though your wife is no longer of any value, or that the spark is no longer, and you feel unhappy by it, it is best to let it go and quit dwelling on her, but stay if you love her. It is true, counselors don't have the power to get rid of someone's depression, we're merely just torches lighting your darkness, but not able to turn on the switch. The one thing to do instead of looking out for answers is to now look within. Hiding your feelings from people won't resolve anything. How? In order to tear down your wall, you must not run the other way around, nor run away from it, cause there's likely another wall waiting for you there. Your walls are all interconnected, so you must learn how to tear it down. What is on the other side is your desired place to be, the light. What's blocking you is the wall, it's made of anger, sadness, despair, unsatisfaction, pain, depression, death, and darkness. You must learn to deal with the little things first in order to cause a ripple effect. You say you carry lots of anger, maybe the best to do is learn to cope with the anger, less stress, find ways in which you find comfort and eases you, like a waterfall. Try and learn that anger is just a reacting and that we can control our reaction by strong means. And that many of our feelings are also that, a reaction, even out of nothing. It's time you look within now instead of what the world can do to bring you happiness. I recommend reading self-help books that can give you much more insight into your self. Learn about yourself and why you do actions that you do, and how your everyday decisions affect who you are. The only to really counter yourself is to understand yourself. Check out Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig, it is a wonderful piece. I know I might have yapped a bit too much in this long paragraph but the main takeaway is that, you can never truly experience happiness once you learn where it comes from, and what you are. I hope this was of any help to you, cheers. You're worth it dude.
ReplyThank you for reaching out...sometimes it is just nice to know that a stranger cares.I have been let down alot in life and betrayed and burned by most of my family and so called friends so i have trouble trusting.So i find it easier to talk to strangers or share those thoughts the way i have here tonight.And my fiance is the best thing in my life it is just that she is in a different country and we are in process of getting her here but my heart is so heavy without her.And i want to fully share my heart with her but as i said i have walls that i cannot even get past but i do believe once she is here i will be able to surrender a bit more and allow myself to be loved.I have in fact been my biggest enemy in life but only because of alot of negativity from most of the people in my life and me in turn believing those things and using them as weapons against myself.I put so much pressure on my self to be perfect that when i fail it is devastating like the biggest loss.And as far as my anger goes...i have been trying for so long to fix it and i feel like i can't because i feel like it has control over me.I just needed to get this out and just share with someone even if it did happen to be anonymous.I still feel sad but at least i shared but honestly thank you...it means a lot to know someone is listening.
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