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My therapist told me that he could sense I found comfort in nature. After numerous accounts of panic attacks and recalls of the worst moments of my week, trying to insist to him I NEEDED help because I have convinced myself I do, this was his remedy for me. I pondered at the idea and after a few moments said “ yeah, sure, I`ll go on a hike when I get upset. You`re right!” just because I have always been the type of person to reassure other people of their validity. I then left, in the same state I had arrived. I have not been back. I find it is very hard for people to help me once they realize I am already aware of what is wrong but just don't know WHY or how to fix it. They never do either. I am lonely. I am anxious. I am insecure. I don't feel I belong. I see the world in a different light than many of the sheltered young adults I surround myself with. This has to do with underlying issues in my upbringing and of course you cannot change the past. But sometimes I wonder if there are more complex reasons why I cannot blissfully remain ignorant like many around me other than the textbook “childhood trauma” answer. I am so aware of things and put on a facade because normality is of course key. Does this make me more aware than my peers and maybe even better people than they will ever be in a lot of senses? Possibly. Although my grades don't reflect that. I used to be so hardworking and dedicated in school and now do not care enough to keep up with my GPA. My GPA beat me and I do not have the strength to fight it as in the end it will mean absolutely nothing. I have been thinking a lot about my purpose, if I even have one, and what will keep me alive and going for the next 80 or so years( tops!). It sure as hell is not a degree. I care about the environment and animals a lot because if not that then what? Should I need to pass tedious prerequisites to make a living while helping the world around me? I don't think so but what is a girl to do… A girl could do a lot actually- I could drop out and travel. I could drop out and join peace corps. But then there is the inevitable doubt, external judgement, and self hatred that will come with that and I cannot handle anymore of that- the idea scares me very much. So where does all this jumbled mess leave me? As a struggling college student who needs to take more hikes? I wish I believed in God as those who are spiritual have a constant source of hope. I do not. I have lost a lot of hope for the world and humanity and mainly myself. What a waste of life I need to make a difference I need to feel needed and important I need I need I need I need I need I need I need… something, someone, anything
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If you put all your self-worth into accomplishing one thing, how will you feel about yourself if unavoidable obstacles prevent you from continuing to achieve it? What if you change your mind and what once interests you no longer does? Are you then a failure?
A purpose is a structured way of defining your self-worth and keeps your mind pondering the future.
Having a “purpose” only identifies a need or a desired feeling. You end by saying what you need. If you really feel the need to find/have a purpose, then maybe find out what you need and why you feel you need them.
Purposes are great for those who have found them and are thriving and are happy with it. The key is “happy. Try finding your passion. Passion over purpose. Don’t let your fear stand in the way of your happiness. You don’t have to follow an Americanized standard (I’ll assume because it’s typically the norm with us).
Also, I think maybe more complex reasons are at play, like you mentioned. You seem to operate at a higher consciousness. You sound like your upgrading and expanding your mind, while your peers march along like lemmings. You feel societally compelled to follow the crowd, yet almost innately know you are meant for something greater. You feel it, don’t you? Hold on to that feeling. Let it guide you...to your passion, purpose, patience, positivity...the person you are both becoming and have always been. ✨
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