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Not sure what got into me this morning, but it kind of feels hopeless. Like, what’s the point? I’m tired of feeling rejected or unwanted. This morning I looked up Jenna on Facebook. She is happily married. Moved on with her life completely and I’m nothing more than an unpleasant memory to her. How many people am I just an unpleasant memory to? People that don’t want to remember me, but can’t help but have me recalled to their mind at times? When that happens, it’s not a feeling of “He’s so good. I lost him.” Or “ He was such a positive influence in my life, I’m grateful for him.” More often than not, I am sure the feeling is more of, “I wish I never met him.”Or “I wish he would stop coming to my mind.” I am not even sure my own family loves me. They just tolerate me. I’m tired of going days and the phone not ringing or no text coming through. So I say again; what’s the point? Why am I doing all of this? Why do I wake up another day to work at a job I don’t particularly like, just to earn another dollar, to support a life that I don’t care about? There is nothing driving me forward. Only my own motivations, and those are dwindling. I don’t have answers to these questions.
Right now I am sitting at my desk and I am about to put a face on. The face of Alex. The guy that acts like he is motivated. Acts like he is engaged. Acts like he has an interest and hope for good things to come. Alex the actor, starring in the show that no one wants to watch....
There’s a fleeting feeling that maybe there is better to come. Maybe all the good I’ve hoped for is just around the corner. Just possibly, all of this is just a trial of endurance and that I’m blindingly running towards the finish line and it’s just a head of me, but to my view, it could be miles and miles to go. Do I keep running? Is there anyone watching me race that’s willing to shout out a word of encouragement? Helping me picture the unseen finish? Or am I just going to take another step into the darkness, not knowing when it will end?
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Reading this made me so sad. Because i was in my own world thinking i need no one. I don't care if anyone likes me or not. I like me, that's important. But reading this just made me fall down. I am sorry you have to go through this.
Replyits really startling to know that somebody out there feels just like me. i pray that you, me and everyone else who is suffering from such situation get through it easily. ameen
Replydont give up
Reply