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April 25, 2019
Dear V,
Today I didn’t wake up thinking of you. I thought that that would be the day that I’ve finally gotten over you. To some extent it’s true. Hell, I finally got a good nap in after what felt like an eternity of not getting much rest. Unfortunately I still find myself thinking about you right before I go to bed, or even to get my rocks off because nothing else seems to do it. You’re not every other thought now, but I’ll have random thoughts about you. If you were to come back right now and say you wanted me, I think I’d still probably take you back as stupid as that sounds. I’m not going to be the one that reaches out first though, I’ve decided on that. You made the initial moves that led to us to getting back together, and yes you probably did take more initiative with your decisions than I did. I admit that’s something I have to grow into. If I’d really been motivated to, without as much hesitation, I would’ve reached out again. However, I’m tired, I know you’re tired. If I reached out we wouldn’t move forward like we need to, and as much as it hurts me to say, you’ve probably already forgot about me. If I had a nickel for every time I thought that or said that😂. Then again, a part of me will stick with you I feel like in either your next relationship or when something happens in the future, hopefully it’ll be for the better. I don’t think you’re the one to trash on your exes necessarily(shade on occasion lol, but never outright trash and I do appreciate that, because at least you have respect for what once was), and if it ever comes up, please don’t mention me or any of your other exes to your future whatever. That’s not to say he won’t be secure enough in himself to not compare himself to your past boyfriends, but still, hopefully you don’t compare either. That’s what I felt like I was competing with, was your comparison of me versus your other boyfriends, even if that hardly ever crossed your mind. Just try not to keep any of your exes around the next time you get involved with somebody, because that’s not good for anybody’s self-esteem, at least now while a lot of us are still young and developing(who am I referring to when I say us? I have no idea it’s a general/universal us). Hopefully he’ll be more firm with you when it comes to that too, because although I wasn’t initially, I feel like I have a better feeling for what to look out for, and how to go about it better. I think that’s my biggest thing is I wasn’t firm enough with you. There comes a point where I have to accept responsibility for some of the things I’ve done, and in that aspect I know I could’ve done better. Still that lost kids lingers on.... I should’ve just kept my mouth shut about meeting my ex for coffee right before we got back together from out break. But then again, that’s the downside to going out with somebody who believes in transparency. You get what you ask for, especially when you know who you’re dealing with. Hm that’s funny, I guess that could really go both ways. After a while it seems communication became somewhat of an issue. Well, I outta end this, I gotta go to class soon. Despite everything I’ve said and everything I will say, don’t forget that I still see so much more good than bad, just for now the bad is what’s sticking out the most as I’m getting over my emotions. I still got love for you girl.
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