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ok so I have depression. I don't really have a problem with myself though. I mean I used to hate myself and everything about me but i've worked really hard to at least like myself. I mean there are still many things I wish i could change about me and there is still stuff I hate about myself but I know I'm working on it and I know things like this take time. But I think my depression came from how lonely i feel. I feel and know that no one needs me or wants me. I feel like a burden. I'm always forgotten about with plans and I'm always the last choice for everything. I used to have a best friend that I could talk to about this stuff but we are growing apart. there is no one else i can talk to. I just hate it because one day i can feel so close to someone and then the next day, i can feel invisible to them even when i try to reach out. I try so hard to hold on to the the friendships I have but I feel that just who I am as a person pushes them away and I don't even mean to.
Anyway, so I have a very low pain tolerance so I haven't done or wish to start cutting or burning or anything like that. But instead I've been scratching words and symbols into my skin with a pencil. it doesn't cut as deep as actual cutting but it leaves marks on my skin that hurts bad when I do it and it leaves marks/scars on my skin that last for the whole day and sometimes even the next day. the worst thing about it is that I do it during school and no one notices. No one even notices the marks. granted I usually put them on my wrist or forearm to wear I can cover them with my jacket. but sometimes i even put them on the back of my hand and on my fingers to where i can't cover them up. when no one notices, it makes me feel even less important than i already no i am and it makes me feel more invisible. I know that sounds really selfish and stuck up but I just want someone to notice and care that i'm doing this but at the same time i don't want anyone to know. I don't even know anymore its just like everything is whirling around in my head and i feel like i'm over thinking everything. I just don't know if what i do counts as self harm if it goes away the day. I just wish it could all stop and I don't have to be depressed anymore.
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It's not selfish of you at all. Everyone needs to be cared for and feel important. People do care, but they are either afraid to show it or dealing with their own issues. It is still self harm, but that's not anything to be ashamed of. I can't say how long it will go on for, but I know it will eventually get better. Try working on taking small things for yourself, and whenever you feel like harming yourself turn to a support system. You don't even have to bring up why, just make sure you are cared for. All the best and I wish you well.
ReplyUnfortunately....life is hard. I didn't ask to be here but here I am. What I've learned is that it's easy to feel sorry for myself. But it's really difficult to see someone else's hurt. If you want relief from the depression, try to relieve someone else's.
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