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I love the days I feel me enough to look in the mirror and smile. Those days feel warm and pleasant and hopeful. It reminds me that I'm not a lost cause and it reminds me of how far I've already come on my own. On those days I get to tell myself I'm worth it, but in a genuine tone instead of one of bitterness, anger, frustration, and despair. On these days I feel light and contentment comes in for at least an hour or so. I love these days, but sometimes I wonder if these days are more likely to drive me to make the change than all the other days. What's more likely to drive me to do it, showing me how happy I can be in a positive light, in a wholesome self-loving level-headed decision, or experiencing the strongest miseries and insanities to the point of snapping? Sooner or later, I want to do it. I wish it would be soon, but it always turns into later. Look at me, bringing down my good day again. For the hundredth time I'm asking, what do I do now? Where do I go from here? I'm missing some kind of resolve, I have everything in the equation except the solution, but I feel like all I can do is keep staring at the equation, driving myself crazier and crazier. -Z
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