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Dear Baby
I found out I was pregnant with you when i was 4w1d along. Today i would have been 6 weeks, but i lost you at 5w3d. I am so sorry my body betrayed you. I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe inside me. You never felt fear or pain or hunger, but you also never felt my love. never felt my butterfly kisses against your cheek, never felt my hand holding yours. I never got to hear your heartbeat or watch you sleep, I never even knew if you were a boy or girl.
I wish you could have slowed down and stayed here a little longer. You were everything i ever wanted, so here's to you.
People complain about their kids messing, crying, not sleeping through, being colicky, being fussy, never leaving them alone, teething etc. how I wish with every fiber of my patchwork soul that i could have had the opportunity to clean up after you, stay up all night feeding you, comforted you when you cried uncontrollably. I didn't just lose a fetus, I lost the 1 year, 2 year, 5 year, 10 year and 16 year old you would have been. Every soiled nappy and midnight burping, every step as you learn to walk, every loose tooth and snotty nose, your first day of school, your first haircut, your first words, your first heartbreak, your school dances, your graduation, your wedding, the birth of your own children - I've lost all that too.
Yes, people say we could try for another, but I don't want to replace you. I don't want to bring another baby into the world only to constantly look at that baby and long for the baby who never was.
You never crawled or walked but before I knew it you were ready to let go of my hand, long before I was ready. I'll never get to tell you that everything will be ok, I'll never get to calm your storms, I'll never get to rock you to sleep or read you bedtime stories. But I will love you through all of those lost memories.
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Hey, I'm so sorry, I wish I was there to console you, I don't know exactly how this feels, but my mom miscarried three times when I was younger, and it was such a hard time for us all. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. My condolences and I'm so proud of you for staying strong through this.
Replythank you so much
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