Should I get a dog?

hey there fellow anonymous sad people, it is I, yaboi, back at it again with another big ol’ pile o’ sad confusion to offload. This is a biggun’, so just look at the last paragraph if you want. Or don’t, whatever, you do you champ,,

So...let’s just dive into this sadfest. I have anxiety (moderate in general, and severe social), moderate/severe depression, agoraphobia, body dysmorphia, and probably some other personality-related stuff going on too. That stuff is just what I was diagnosed with 3 years ago. I was in therapy for a little while, pretended to be fine because I’m a perfectionistic dumbass, and since then have not been able to improve myself in any way.

Actually, I think it’s probably gotten worse (but at least I’m self-aware, and know what I’m dealing with even if I can’t change it). I have a part time job where I don’t have to interact with anyone else, but driving always leaves me in tears because I just panic as I go. I don’t trust other drivers to stay in their damn lanes, and a little bit of me doesn’t trust myself to stay out of a ditch. There’s structural work going on in the building where I live, and it takes me about an hour to convince myself to leave my room and walk past the builders (with a full face of makeup on and a carefully planned route to the kitchen). Living in a rural area, I am usually able to go outside every day without seeing anyone. I look after 5 horses and 4 chickens, and chatter away to wild rabbits and pheasants as I walk up the fields. I’m like a mentally ill Snow White, y’all. Occasionally I’m kinda happy I guess, but it doesn’t happen often, and lately I’ve had way more bad days than good. And by bad days I mean like ‘stay in bed and cry for 10 hours when you’re supposed to be working’. Sometimes I don’t look after the horses as well as I probably should - one of them is insanely fat because I accidentally left him in the wrong pasture, and he’s been farting eau du grass-ass for like two solid minutes as I type. In general they do pretty well without human interference though.

As far as human friends go...well, my dude, I don’t really have any. I still chat online to my best friend from school, but it kinda hurts when she excitedly tells me about the great nights out she goes on with her university friends, or makes references to stuff that I don’t get. I’m so proud of her and happy that she’s doing well and enjoying life, but at the same time it reminds me of how much I suck at being a person. I had to drop out of school at 16/17, and I panic at the thought of being in that environment again. It was a subject that I’d chosen and was good at, but I couldn’t cope with the people or the expectation or the time limits, and it just sorta broke me.

There are some things that I know I’m ok at and sometimes even like doing (like, say, drawing) and there’s a bunch of stuff that I’d love to know about, but the learning part is terrifying. I know it’s dumb, but I want to just instantly be able to Do The Thing, and my fear of any sort of failure is legitimately crippling. I thought about going to classes for stuff as a way of meeting people, because I know I have to push myself if I’m ever gonna be an OK person, but I really can’t cope with my first impression being...well, anything less than perfect. And lemme tell ya, buddy, panicky-perfectionist-me is not a pretty sight. I know I’ll be panicky from just being around people, and then I’ll over analyse, and then overthink the immediate future much as I’m doing now, and it’ll all go wrong and I’ll start crying then go home and be like ‘well we tried let’s never doing anything again for the next 5 years’.

All of that said, I really like dogs. They’re always looking to be happy, they don’t overthink things, and - possibly most importantly - they love going out on walks. They will pester you until you walk them, and I think I may need that - someone to tug at my sleeve like ‘HEY HEY LISTEN COME ON WE GOTTA GO OUTSIDE TODAY THE SUN IS SHINING I GOTTA PEE LETS GO WOOOO’. Maybe it could help with the people thing a little too - dog training classes may not be as stressful for me as art or whatever. I’ve looked after a lot of dogs for work, and I know how to clicker-train from working with the horses. Gotta say though, I am sort of worried that I’ll either a) find a way to overthink it and try to be the Perfect Dog Person or b)miss out on something, like maybe feed it once instead of twice a day, and then just spiral back to being a depressed goblin with an equally depressed dog.

Thoughts?