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For as long as I can remember, I've always been the girl that wants everyone beside me to be happy and hope they'll like me more, I got really disappointed when they don't talk to me or treat me like they used to be, and I always couldn't understand when someone doesn't like me, I blame myself for not being able to get them to like me. Whenever I did something wrong I always blame myself so much that I think no one likes a person who make a mistake. I tried to get rid of all these emotion, for a second I thought I did, but end up I'd hate myself for not being to make things right. These thoughts are literally haunting me and now it's affecting my job. 1 year ago I got into this clinic as a therapist, this is my first time being in this industry, everything is new to me. In this company, most of the colleagues are working together for at least more than 8 years, and then there's me, a 22 years old girl being the youngest staff of all of them. In this one year, I've learnt a lot of things and I'm still learning, I learn through mistakes, learn through some of the scoldings from my senior(which means literally everyone), I've learnt a lot. As time goes by, I find that I can't really blend into them, and somehow I feel neglected. So I started thinking that it's because I made a lot of mistakes, giving them so much troubles that they got really disappointed in me, thinking that I'm a disappointment. To proof that I'm useful, I tried to help them in the way I could, and I did, but that doesn't help much, because I 'm not as experience as them. As time goes by, I became fearful, I'm afraid to talk to patients because I'm afraid to make mistakes. My colleagues thinks I'm lack of confidence and they told me to be more confidence, but little did they know, I can't help it because I'm really afraid that I will mess things up and end up giving them lots of troubles, I feel guilty and disappointed in myself, I always blame myself why I just can't do the right things and be a person that has value in the team? Why can't I just do what other people did normally? Why do I have to mess up everything in my life?
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I mess up things too. What you're going through is rough and it's tough feeling like you don't fit in. Just know that you aren't alone and talk to someone that you trust about it if you want to. I believe that you are a good therapist and I think you should too. Try your best and I know you can do it.
ReplyThanks Cassandra. I really hope that things would get better and I will try harder to be better instead of trying to please everyone hoping that they would like me more, I should just be me. I should love myself.
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