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Most days I'm ok. And then there are times I'm not. Same goes for most hours, minutes, and seconds. Then something seems to form out of nothing. I begin to get irritable, tense and snappish. It's my defense against the internal butt-whooping that's about to reveal itself. It's been just beneath the surface and it found a weak spot to penetrate. Missing my Mom... My heart hurts and the spiral begins. I feel like screaming and hitting and hurting and breaking things. I feel like causing pain - to myself, to someone or something else - as if that would help give relief to the crushing of my heart. Rage and anger reach their peak and push me to let them out and act on the storm raging inside. Then, without an outlet, the storm quickly transforms from a tempest into a drizzle of pooling tears. A defeated, powerless, empty feeling. My throat is so tight I want to throw up. These battles exhaust me. The dance almost feels like it's necessary or instinctual to survive. The steps are what's required to disarm a ticking bomb. A massive headache arrives as a distraction. Worn out and calmer. Now I can try to bounce back and function. Walk and talk again. Carry on.
I'm told there's no correct way to grieve. And I can promise this isn't a typical example of my episodes of grief. It seems my heart saves these ones for the really significant times of the year. I decided that instead of experiencing this alone, I'd write about it, so it would lose some of its power over me. My mind knows a lot of the "right" and "logical" and better-for-it things about Mom being gone, and it condemns me for feeling this way. Why can't I just see through it when it happens? Am I choosing the storm over knowledge? Do I secretly like this? Is this going to help me through?
To me, her absence is a palpable and essential loss, and I simply can't pretend I'm ok about it. The deepest, most essential, life-giving root of my family tree is gone from me. My heart bleeds. From the moment she went to Heaven I felt like I lost my tie to this earth (please don't read into this, I'm not suicidal, nor am I dismissing any deep relationships I have with others. I'm simply speaking of the mother-child relationship. Our relationship.). I sometimes compare it to being like a half-filled helium balloon, let go-of, in the middle of a shopping center, and not expecting it. Drifting in and out of people, and through life around me. A little lost. A little disconnected. Aimless. Anchorless. It makes me think that we shared an invisible umbilical cord connection that was severed. I'm suddenly and unwillingly forced to function in this hard, ugly world without the balance of her unconditional love, gentleness, understanding, support, care and friendship; the gifts that my Mother gave to my life.
And then minutes and hours pass. The day turns into night. And then the morning comes. I re-read this passage and scoff at the melodramatic sound of my "episode." The things I've described seem so foreign and far away now. Like it's happened to another person, or at least a very long time ago. I'm asking myself why do I sound so pathetic in that passage? The word melodramatic returns to the front of my mind and scowls at me. I sounded possessed in my writing. Like I was giving into my feelings and losing control. Like I wanted to lose it. But I don't like to lose. Why would I do that? Why couldn't I stop the spiraling? That's not how I am, or how I even feel most days. I don't lose it. Then shame comes to visit. This is so frustrating. Who am I trying to convince, deny or control? Why am I so hard on myself? For EVERYTHING? Am I in denial?
It seems like the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. I'm thinking about that and wondering if that's part of the process too. I'm sure there is balance somewhere. Or maybe it'll come with more time. Until then, I just do the best I can and try to remind myself to allow some grace and forgiveness. I tell myself there is no need for control or perfection in the grieving process... MY grieving process. It's different for everyone, and I didn't get a map with it all planned out with nice, neat instructions. I just need to relax, breathe deeply, do the best I can each day. Small, forward steps. I think I can do that. I can probably do that. Ok, I'll try to do that. I can do this.
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Well that would be absolutely true, no doubt but I believe that someone who loses their mother, especially at a young age is equally as traumatic and anyone who has ever lost their mom would agree that it is the most devastating event that occurred in their life.
I lost my mother to melanoma when I was 19 and she was 41 years old...it happened 24 years ago yet I have not gotten over her death
I have suffered over her dying and almost took my own life because of it
It's particularly hard to deal with a mother's death because she is the solid foundation to your family
She raised you
Loved you
Taught you in many aspects of your life since you were born
Mother's are the centre of everything and to lose her is something many people never get over, especially if she is your entire world pretty much
I'm still grieving all these years later and I know I'll always grieve over her
Each deals with death in their own way and those who grieve the loss of a child or a parent rarely go through their lives intact or at least not without some emotional damage for which can't be cured without a psychologist or a pill prescription if they're not coping with it all
Grieve for your mom
As long as it may take
There's no such thing as too long or too little a time frame for anybody to recommend to quit the grieving process because there is no timing to end the sadness caused by someone close to you dying.
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