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Today, I went to visit my father. Why? To be honest I don’t know. Maybe, I thought I’d find relief. Maybe, a sign. But, nothing. I just sat there. Listening to my mind unravel. You would think, when you visit your father you would want to say hi. Or, I love you. But, no. All that filled my head was thoughts of anger, rage, sorrow, despair, pain, hurt, and agony. But, not because of the things he had done. Because of the thing he had made me become. Because, of him…i became a gentle soul. One who gives everything for those he loves. One who fights for his love, defends his friends, and protects those that matter. But, there is a large aftereffect of creating a being like that. This person knows how to protect others….but not himself. This person, shatters at the thought of just losing one person. Cowers at the idea of disappointment. Cries at the idea of heartbreak. This person cannot be strong on his own. He can pretend. He can play the facade. And, come just close enough to make himself believe it. But, deep down. He feels like a child. One who is so afraid. Just because, one can be strong or act strong does not mean they are being true to themselves. It’s the role they take for others. I hate this about myself. Those that I care about appreciate my genuineness, but show looks of sadness at the lack of strength I have for myself. That’s something I’ve worked on for a very long time. I’ve wanted to be strong for myself so that I can be strong for others. And, for awhile. I was learning. What seemed like a fleeting idea was almost a certain possibility. But, my father. Left one thing with me that I can never move past. The pain of losing my love. I watched him destroy my dream of what love was. I watched him hurt me, my mother, and my family over and over again. When it comes to the person I love, if even the slightest thing seemed off my body was instantly in fear. My mind and heart torn in thousands of different directions. This. I blame him for this. I blame him for my lack of trust, not just in people, but in the person I love. I blame him for my doubt. I blame him for my sensitive and overprotective way of defending myself. It hurts. It hurts me to feel like I can’t ever trust someone. Because…he taught me that I can’t trust anyone. So, I sit here. In front of his grave. Wondering why he broke me and left me without fixing it. Why, he made my life harder than it needed to be. Why, he chose the most fragile of his kids and made him the most breakable piece of china in the set. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Always in doubt. Always lost.
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Wow. Had to take a deep breath on that one.
From an outside perspective, it looks to me as if your strength is "activated " in a way by protecting others, but you seem to think strong is the only thing you're allowed to be.
Love is like a double edged sword for you in that way, that it is both your strength and your weakness.
It's okay to be human.
It's okay to be angry and hurt and have regrets. But it's not okay to hold onto them forever. That's the kryptonite to your superman.
Maybe you feel since your dad has passed on you can't tell him all these things. But you can. And he will hear you.
There was an exercise that I came across once. It instructed me to have a seat, and try to remember as far back as I could every offense committed against me. Think of the person or persons and the situation, feel how much it hurt. Be mad about it. Say how you feel about it, out loud if need be. Cry, whatever feels appropriate. And then consciously forgive it. Shove it in a red balloon and let it fly away.
It sounds simple enough, and obviously cant be done all in one sitting, but practice makes perfect. It really did help me alot. But of course, it would be helpful if you were ready to make change, make peace, and let go.
If I were you, I'd begin with him. Forgive him for also being human. Forgive his mistakes. Move on to forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for not being whatever it is you think you should be. Remind yourself of your positive attributes.
From here, you seem to express caring, thoughtfulness, a sense of duty and responsibility. Those are massive strengths in my book.
Muscles rip and bleed before they get stronger right?
I think you can do this.
God bless your journey to healing. I pray you find the peace you deserve.
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