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I need you to understand.... that I feel like this and I can't help it...
I don't always feel like this... its kind of like an uncontrollable switch in my brain.
I don't know what triggers it, I don't know what turns it on, and I don't know what turns it off. You keep saying you understand that I'm sad and you understand that things are harder for me but you don't. you don't understand that everyday I wake up and I wish I hadn't. you don't understand that everyday I look in the mirror and I hate my body. I hate my hair, my eyes, my nose, my skin, my lips, my head, my chin. you don't understand that everytime I open my mouth I'm disgusted. that everything I say annoys me. that everything I think is the dumbest thing that I have ever heard. you don't understand that every time I breathe I get mad because I wish I wasn't. you don't understand you say you do because you're sad. but you don't get it because I'm not sad. I'm not upset, I'm not mad, I'm not annoying and I'm not irritated. I hate myself.. I hate everything about myself no matter what. I don't wanna sleep and I don't wanna wake up I don't wanna go somewhere but I don't wanna be home. I'm not comfortable in my bed but I'm uncomfortable everywhere else. I'm not just sad. I'm broken. I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just lost and broken and you sitting here saying you understand doesn't help. everyone sitting here saying they understand and they're here for me doesn't help when they aren't actually here. here doesn't mean, "well we invited you but you didn't want to come." its not, "oh well we were going to invite you but we didn't think you'd want to." thats not being here.. thats not understanding. But thats the thing. I don't expect you to be here, I don't expect you to understand. I just expect you to be you. if you wanna be here find can't promise you'll get much out of it, can't promise you won't think you wasted your Time cause you probably did. but don't say you're here, and dont say you understand.
Cause you don't.
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have you ever thought about being a writer because this was really well written, I feel the same way...this is depression. So annoying having people tell you "They're here for you" when sometimes they're physically not here. And you can't explain to them in words the pain...I feel the same way. I can't sleep. And nobody understands. Not even him.
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