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I am a 23 year old girl. I am pursuing my Masters in Computer Applications from one of the top universities in my country. Well, initially I thought I was going to be good, better than what I was. Moving to a new place, new faces, I really thought I was going to grow and become a better programmer and maybe meet someone or a group of individuals that have the same goals and ideas as I do and that we all will create something revolutionary. But I got into uni late because I was alone and I did not find any place to stay so I had to stay in a hotel alone on the other side of the state. It is very far away from my uni. So missed a lot of sessions because of that. First Semester was horrible, I was slowly falling into depression one semester at a time. Second Semester was worst, I wanted to kill myself because I failed everything. I am a big failure. I was a good student but now even coding a simple factorial program was agonizingly scary for me. I was doing really bad in all papers up to a point I had 4 backlogs and my percentage was just 41% which is so shameful. The worst part is I thought I'll be better but even in 4th Semester right now. I am still self sabotaging myself. I lost my love for reading. I lost my love for music. I lost my love for coding. I stopped playing video games. I just binge watch YouTube videos and sleep for 18hours a day and never go for my classes. Even now I think I'll have an extra back logs. I am dying and I can't breathe. I went to a therapist but it is not helping much. My mind is so messed up. A lot of people depend on me and I have let them down. It is not anyone's fault but my own and I own up to it but even after doing so I keep on staying in this constant cycle. At one point of time even breathing is painful. I feel so dumb, idiotic and blinded purposefully. I am ashamed of myself. I won't be getting a job for my technical sclkills are zero as of right now. I am messed up and I do not how to pull it all back together.
Clearly I feel insane at times or maybe I am just a mediocre person wanting to be brilliant. Help me!
I just want to be better and it is a long spiral down. Being consumed by my own fears and darkness. No job. No internship. Nothing. I feel like a null character that has no worth. Hopefully, I make it I do not know how but I want to make it.
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So you need friends, skills and a sense of achievement to get out of this. Friends you may or may not that depends, but you can at least find people who will be willing to guide you as to how to pick up. May be the person who is sitting next to you in class ? Trust me even some professors are really kind and helpful if you are willing to share with them what you find difficult to understand.
Join clubs you can find some one with similar interests and make friends there. . Even though it takes time,may be one more semester to get back on track, better to get hold of things now and work on them than getting lost with binge watching. I have been on that road of binge watching, and I wasted a considerable amount of life without working on my issues.
Hope you find your strength and skills and trust that you can do it.
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