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I can't handle all this. I know I have people who care about me and would help if they knew all that was going on and not just on the surface. But I can't get myself to talk to anyone about it. Not even my best friend. I feel like I'm constantly treading water and I don't know if I want to keep treading water and fighting the current anymore. I go under and somehow always come back up for air. I don't want to talk to my friends about how I am actually doing and feeling because I feel like I'll become more of a worry and a burden than a friend and I won't be that fun of a friend anymore. I can't go to school anymore because of other health reasons so in result I don't get to see them all that much. I don't understand how anyone would want to stick around in my life. I am sick all the time because of my health problems and can't go to school or do the things I love anymore. I don't fit in with their crowd. I'm never going to be like their friends who are with them everyday at school, in their classes, doing their homework together after school, driving each other to and from school, leaving school at lunch to go eat somewhere, doing extra curricular activities with each other, and going to each others events and helping them with their events. I will never be able to fit in with that because I can't do any of that stuff not to mention I'm way behind in school because I can't go right now. Sooner or later the like 2 friends I still have are going to forget about me and get tired of hanging out with the sick girl who can't fully go out and do fun things. Who they are constantly having to take care of because they are with me when I have a medical emergency or something related. My parents and I are still trying to figure out all that is wrong with me and have only gotten a few diagnosis's. We know I have this disease and that getting the diagnosis from the right doctor that has a 2-3 year waiting list. I can't fully be treated correctly until we have the diagnosis. I don't know how I could graduate at this point. I am going to miss out on all the high school memories that everyone else is going to make. I won't be able to make all those memories with them. Who knows if I'll be able to go to any more school dances. I honestly don't see the point in being here anymore. My life now consists of sleepless nights, too long of days spent pretty much alone just trying to get some school done while taking multiple breaks to go lay down or do a treatment because I am too sick to even sit down for more than an hour and do some homework. I can barely do school work either because my brain doesn't work that well rn because of my disease. So I try to do school which is pretty much staring at a problem for 15 minutes till I figure out what the heck to do and how to do it. I just feel hopeless. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do or how I am supposed to still be social and have friends. I don't want to be a worry or a burden or a complainer i just want to be a good fun friend. The weird thing is everyone is constantly telling me they are so sorry and that I've got this and I can get through this. But that's the thing, I don't feel like this is that hard. I don't understand. I don't feel like this is hard or anything to be all that about. I am just upset that I can't go to school and be social and do the things I want and that I love. I just want to be normal and do normal things. I feel like I want to let my friends go. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I want to do it before they let me go or if I don't want them to stop me from doing something. I just feel weird and numb. I feel like nothings really going on and the world is just standing still. I don't really have any reason to stick around. The people that were holding me here I don't get to see anymore and can't even hang with them anymore. The things that were holding me here I can't really do right now. When I do tell one of my best friends stuff I instantly regret it after, even if she says something encouraging. I don't know if I am just worried and overthinking everything or if I just feel like she fully understands or gets it. I feel like she doesn't really have a big desire to hang with me or be around me. Until I invite her to come do something and sometimes she's like omg yes and others times she can't. Which I get, but idk I just feel like I should just stop. I don't know I feel like it's not her job or worry and she shouldn't have to do this or that. She shouldn't have to worry about me and my medical stuff. I don't know if I just have weayy to much time in the day by myself or what. But I just feel alone and I don't know what to do and if I should keep trying or just let it all go.
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