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When I tried to kill myself at age 15, I gladly did NOT commit to it. The next year, I met someone who made me feel real and alive for the first time. She left my life just as quickly as she'd entered though. It was a temporary spark, and since then I've gone back to feeling alone, lost, and foreign in this fake-feeling world. I feel like I have to pretend to go along with everyone else, to be something I'm not.
It's actually worse now because this time I'm 21 and "stuck", and I've just been feeling "stuck" ever since the separation from her... But even long before my suicidal attempt, I always kinda felt like wanting to die. I've wanted to die since I knew what death meant, and I was little! Now I just don't want to exist, and for the past five years I've been feeling like I'm already not here.
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So last night I finally thought to myself, should I have already been dead? Should I have done it that night when I was 15? And if I've basically felt this way my whole life for literally no reason, are some people just more prone to killing themselves?
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I’m empty
I wanted to write down how I felt. But when I tried to explain, the box remained empty. And it explained itself perfectly without any assistance....
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I want to sleep and never wake up.
I look back into my 20 short years of existence, and somehow, I don't find one single moment where I truly, utterly felt happy. I grew up alone. And by alone...
I personally believe it’s not the answer when I was 14 I started cutting myself, I felt so alone in the world and so abandoned that I felt like there was no point in being alive, when I was 16 I tried to overdose on pills thankfully I didn’t die, even though I wanted to so badly. When I was 18 I was so low I thought so myself what’s the point anymore? I’d be better off dead no one loves me everyone I’ve been in a relationship with has left me or cheated on me, I felt useless gross, but I pushed through it, I am now 20 and I realized that I didn’t want to die I wanted to feel alive, I am not in a relationship with an amazing guy and I want you to know that it does get better maybe not right away but someone will come along and love you for you and that sometimes things happen for a reason. Please Please Please don’t give up! I Promise you it does get better, you have to try your hardest to work on yourself not for others but for you. ❤️❤️
ReplyMy heartfelt comment was removed.
I do care what you say. Please try to delete those thoughts from you mind. You'll get stronger by making it through this. I prayed for you and I'll continue. Take care, my friend.
ReplyYou know it took me a while to realise that we control a lot about our lives and I think what you are missing is that desire to create and build up your life. Don't let wanting to die smother up what can be. You see , starting is always the hardest. They say that when you begin to do something , you are already half way there. Live your life ,you've only got one , make the most of it. Don't let your thoughts that you were meant to die or that it is what you want take over. You are in control of your thoughts , set the negative aside and admire the beauty of nature. Set goals and reach for the stars! The only person that can stop you from living is you ~
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