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Curled up in a ball is comforting I feel safe. It’s like I am protected from everything even though I’m small.
Then I realised I’ve been sat like this before and before that and the time before.
Because I remember that one night where I was sat outside in the rain I’d ran off cigarettes and vodka was all I had. I didn’t have anything to run from apart from myself so I sat and rocked curled up in a ball I felt a little safer and that was enough to make me get up off my feet and walk all the way home.
And the time after those guys did those things that I didn’t want to happen and I laid there in a room with their breath down my neck. I got out of the bed curled up in a ball on the floor and found the littlest bit of dignity left to get me and my friend out of the door.
When I had to tell my parents I’d been used and abused they held my hand as I wailed I felt so small. I curled up in a ball because I wanted to feel safe I didn’t want to talk about myself in that way.
The hospital waiting rooms because I’d lost the will again I was in so much pain and I just wanted to block everything and everyone out. I curled up in a ball my heavy head in my hands.
Then there’s the time I sat as the seconds ticked by as I waited for exam results I wanted so bad. My hands were grasped so tightly around my knees the tighter the grip the more I felt at ease.
And now I realise after that and more I’m still here right now and doing it once more but this time is different because I’m relaising I have power and I don’t need to feel so small. All those times I thought I couldn’t carry on any more I did and I never gave up I had courage when I told my story, I had strength when I didn’t give in, I had pride when I stood up and excelled in those exams. I am not small I am strong.
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That's awesome! I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's unimaginable to me. You're a really good writer. I'm in awe. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyThank you xxx
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