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Ive given up on myself. Ive let myself go. Ive stopped caring and am in a constant state of disappointment and anger. I have happy moments but whenever they end its back to the sadness all over again. There is a lot to be grateful for, and I am sure I could fill an entire gratefulness journal simply with all the things I have done well and succeeded with. However, my body, my brain and my thoughts just cave in and its a lot to hold onto. I am very aware of myself and my thoughts. I have quite a lot of privilege and a lot to be happy about. Why can't I just focus on those things. I've overcome anxiety, moving, separation, financial issues to a small extent, job loss, wedding woes. People survive and I know I will too. I just am loosing patience in all of it. Nothing can fully give me complete satisfaction all the time. So i settle for the little bits of self-gratification that I can get from eating. Now the only problem is that I am now huge. What are people's definition of breaking points... I am not sure, and I dont think I am at my lowest of lows. But i definitely want things to be better without having to try so hard all the friggin time. Let it come easy and just let it come and stay without being such a tease. Its hard enough as it is to adjust to all of lifes worries and concerns. I just do'nt want my life to be any more complicated. And to be fair it really isn't. There is a lot of good I repeat to myself. So then why do i feel so bad. I just eat for comfort because it feels good. Now another thing to be worried about. Its just a never ending cycle that never changes. But to be fair i am stuck and don't know what to do to make more changes. I have positive self-talk, I meditate, I sleep well, I try to avoid stress. Its the personal pressure I put on myself thats just overwhelming. Its impossible to hold onto! And I know I have an amazing support system yet I still feel so alone. I want that constant someone that person I can be with and be happy with. It doesn't have to be all the time, but just the cuddles and the comfort and the support and knowing its available. Why is it just so hard.
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Wow, you're in a lot of pain. I'm so sorry! I really do hear you. Life can be unbearable. I remember trying to hard to do positive self-talk and positive thinking and it was like trying to hide trash. It just hurt more. The only thing I've found that helped me is God and prayer. Writing about your past traumas helps...the ones that still bring up emotion. If it brings up emotion, it's still affection you. I'll be praying for you. Take care! Much Love!
ReplyI get it...not like you do, since I'm not you. It's all so hard, and I'll admit, my only comfort is food too. It's really the only thing I look forward to. Do you like to walk? I do find pleasure in that. It's good meditating time, but maybe not your thing.
This helps me: knowing that there is benefit in suffering. We develope personal qualities from suffering, like endurance, character and hope. I believe the hope comes from knowing that you're strong enough to get through anything. That may not be any comfort to you, but I hope. Be good to yourself.
Replyoops develop no e Lol
ReplyI hear ya, about food. It's the only pleasure sometimes. We need our coping mechanisms, or we might go nuts. I'm totally neurotic about food. I'll eat sweets, even ice cream and chew it up and spit it out. At least I get pleasure from it Lol and no calories.
It sounds like you're in a bad head-space right now. I pray that it gets better for you.
Reply