The things I can never tell you

Mom no one will ever love you as much as I do, not Adam, not Zinnia, or Brielle. I love you so much, I always have, you have been my world for 16 years and nothing you ever do, no matter how many times you hurt me could ever make me love you any less. But that's the thing, you hurt me so much because I love you. All I want is life is for you to be happy and to make you proud of me. I want you to love me as much as I love you, but I know you never will, and that's breaks me so much, it tears me apart everyday because I know I will never be enough for you. I was never enough to make you happy, and that's all I wanted to be, that's all I wanted to do. I do so much for you, I get up with brielle everyday, I try to keep on cleaning, I go to work early, even when I’m so tired and sick that I can’t think straight, I let you sleep, I don’t even care that you break your promises to me.I am so sorry that I took your life away from you, if I could, I never would of been born, I blame myself that you don’t have a nice house, you didn;t get a good job, you didn’t have the life you could’ve because I had to burden you with my own needs. I can’t even look you in the eyes and tell you this because I don’t want you to worry or to be burdened by my own problems. I love you so much, you will never understand how much I love you, how much you mean to me. If I could give you the world I would, but I can’t. I want you to know that you hurt me, every day. You hurt me in so many ways, but I forgive you each time, I could never not forgive you because that's what it means to love someone. I forgive you for not noticing how much I hurt, for not listening to me, for making me stay home, for leaving me behind, for going out and doing things without me, for sleeping through my childhood, for breaking so many promises, for hugging me, for not complimenting me, for not thinking about me, for smoking. You know, every now and then you do something that makes me think that you might just feel the same way, but then I realize you will never feel this way. When I was little it was just me and you against the world, and you gave me the strength to go face the things I didn’t want to, you told me to stand up to those people who put me down, to try my hardest at the things I wasn’t good at. What happened? When did you stop having my back and when did you stop supporting me. When did your love for me lessen? I never once questioned why I didn’t have a dad until I started questioning if you loved me. If I was good enough for you. I will always be on your side, I know I have made some terrible mistakes and it may seem as if everything I have just stated is a lie, but mom you have to believe me when I say I only did those things because I feel so alone. I feel like everyone has left me stranded on an island, but no one else matters, but I feel like you have abandoned me too. Like you stopped trying for me. You never listened to me when I tried to tell you what I was going through, but that’s okay, because I realized I didn;t want to tell you. None of this is your burden to bear. There is so much that goes on through my head but I don’t even know where to begin. I am finally going to tell you the things I have spent countless years battling with. The war inside my head has been there for so long, years. Even though you won’t see this for a long time, I still just need you to know, for somebody to know. Moving to Wisconsin was so hard, but that was never a reason to kill myself. I tried to kill my self that August because I was so alone, trapped in that apartment everyday with my sister, I felt so alone. All I could think about was that you were going to have another child and that I would get stuck being a parent to her too. No one called or texted me, I snuck out while you were at work and played with Claudia outside. I had guilt hidden in my emotions because I felt like I had to be a parent, I owed you. I felt so alone in the world, so so alone. I lied to everyone about how I felt. I had lied my way out of the hospital, I faked smiles to get out of counseling, I faked an attitude so you would let me quit taking meds, because I didn’t want anyone to know that I wasn’t okay. I wanted to be normal. I cut because I felt like I deserved the pain. I have never had real friends that I could tell anything to, that I felt like myself around, instead I put on a fake personality around them so that I would fit in. I became someone they would like. But it didn;t work. Soon after that I lost myself entirely. My friends uninvited me to things, they talked about me behind my back, they made fun of me right at my face and I acted like I never noticed because I wanted them to like me. I did everything to keep myself around these people because I had no one else. I surrounded myself with people who never once told me anything nice about me, even though I constantly cheered them on and lifted them up. People who ignored me and my feelings when I was the one who was down. I defended them. I learned real fast that that was a mistake. As I got older, and boys became an interest, I realized no boy would ever like me or had ever liked me. I was scared of men for so long, when I was little you had to move me to different classes with female teachers. I would take the long way to avoid confrontation with males. But now I fear that no one will ever love me. I know it sounds silly because I am 16, but all I want is someone to love me. I want to get married, have kids, to support someone. But that won’t happen for me. I haven’t even had the chance yet, and all I can think is that it won’t happen to me. The people I care about are the people who I am hurt by the most. Only because I want them to be the most proud of me, I never want to disappoint them, but I do, and that isn’t okay. I know it sounds weird, but I can’t stand the thought of more people that I care about leaving me behind, and so I end up pushing them away before they can. I push them away when I make mistakes when I disappoint them. I am always there for those who need me, but no one is ever there for me. All I want is for you to know that this is me. But I love you, so much. I don’t blame you for anything, I blame myself, so keeping this is. And that is why I am going to try to get better, this is something I need help with, I will get help, I will get better. When I am ready you will see this, and I hope you can understand that all I want is for you to understand me, but first I need to really find and understand myself. I need to know that I am ready to move on from my past and embrace the possibility of the future. Because I know I deserve better, to not feel like this. I will not let myself get back to that place where I feel that I cannot live another day. I will not hurt myself again. I vow to move forward in a positive way.