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Feelings. Fuckin feelings. And trying to put those feeling in words. Trying to make sense of then. Must be the most difficult and hopeless thing ever. I wish I could let people know how exactly I was feeling like they felt it too so I don’t have to rip my self apart trying to figure why I’m like this to someone else. I have many problems all of them interconnected or maybe I’m a psycho. I’m writing this so I can try to make sense of myself try to figure out what tf is wrong with me. I feel like I’m running in an endless circle of pain just waiting for it to pass by. Dragging myself along. Lost in my hopefully thinking. I just wanna feel alive again. I just wanna feel happy again. I just wanna feel a sense of purpose. I just wanna be a child again cause this ain’t it. I don’t feel like myself. I have know idea what “myself” is. I don’t know if I can make my life better. Maybe I can. Maybe this is my life. Recently I’ve been wanting all this to be over. Just for me to die so I don’t have to deal with this. Just to disappear into nothingness hopefully.. But whenever I try to improve try to help myself try to be brave try do change my life around it never works. I don’t know if That helping myself is wrong or if I was just meant to be a mess. I really don’t know. All I want is to know. A source of this depression, emptiness, insecurity, and anxiety. Smh I can’t even be depressed right. The most pathetic thing is idk why I feel this way. Idk maybe ik maybe I don’t. The harder I try to understand the harder it becomes to understand. I’m lost. All of this is for nothing. I could pretend to be happy. You know fake it till I make it.. should I try that. Maybe but I’m just sick of running away from my problems. Been doing it my whole life. Hoping they go away but they always come back disguised as something else and I’m to scared to look behind that mask of the disguised problem. Because it’s to big. I’m to small. I’m scared weak but most of all pathetic. I’m scared because ik or I think behind that mask is me. I am my biggest problem. But ik that. What I’m scared of is drastic change. Idk what I’m scared of. It’s me? I don’t know. It’s my parents. Maybe yea... I’m insecure and I care what others think. The sad part is that ik I’m brave. I’ve proven it to myself at times. But when it comes to this I become a liquid just melt and hide away. Running, Running always running. Happy moments come but there temporary and boom I’m then reminded that I’m pathetic and my life isnt happy stupid. You know how people say that it’s a clear sky and the dark cloud are just passing by and the sadness is just temporary... Well for me it’s a dark sky and there are a few white clouds that provide a temporary happiness but when all that goes away it just the dark pathetic sky. I can be happy I guess. Really this shit is stupid I can change it. It’s a matter of perspective right? Lmao but why would I. If I wanted to I would have by now but why do I think that I lowkey like it like that you know being sad. Maybe. Maybe this is a phase. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking. I think I need to see a psychologist. But ik exactly what she gonna say and at the end of the day it’s up to me to make those changes but if I already know I’m not there’s no point I don’t wanna take this seriously because the more serious I take it the more real it becomes the more scarier it becomes. Idk I just think I need to go to that school. Allah help me. I can be happy I know it. I’m just scared of what it might cost me. I’m scared. I need to be brave. I will also blame my parents for instilling this inside of me. They are also partially to blame. Oh I pray I pray help me god help. What a scary word you have created. Take me away. SAVE ME FROM MY SELF.
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