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I need to leave. I can't. I'm stuck. I see you try to be nice, but every fucking time I think back to when you ignored everyone but yourself. I think I've realized that you can't accept any opinion that isn't from you or that you approve, and the endless hell I've spent living in your home is too much. I don't care how nice you are being anymore, I've resolved to leave. Every fucking day I will spend looking for jobs and getting my license until the day I can pay for just enough of an apartment to take my dog with you and never let you touch her again. Everything I build up you have systemically destroyed or claimed as your own and I can't handle anything anymore. The house is blowing up from four different directions and you still say it can be fixed.
It can't.
I'm done.
I wanted to hurt myself years ago, when I was listless and constantly comparing myself to others online images depicting more progress than me. I did, once.
Damnit.
You have reignited that urge, and I will fight it.
I will fight it by ignoring you, by finding my own way through this idiotic path I've put myself on. I will fight you by proving myself and not allowing you to position yourself as a support before negotiating for the tiny moments that prove your point and validate your awful nothingness. Just pure, unadulterated apathy.
I am done with everything you have done to me.
I'm making this public to push myself forward. I am showing that I am strong enough to lead myself despite my failings.
It will hurt, I can't imagine how much.
But I've never needed something more in my goddamn life and if I don't fix my life, I'll go back to self-loathing and fall further into the suffocating routine until I can't get out.
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