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My boyfriend doesn’t care and I want to die.
5 months ago · · Depression stress , · Explicit
Yes I am reliant on my boyfriend. Yes I have abandonment issues. I suffer with PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. My boyfriend never talks to me when I’m upset , Never consoles me , never tries to help me or think of anything to ever say to me. I deal with serious trauma of being abused in my past . I don’t have family. No mom no dad , neither in my picture . My best friend is half way across country , I live on disability because I can’t keep a job and only get just over $700 a month to survive , I can’t afford to pay for rent on my own as a one bedroom in my city goes for 1600$ plus a month utilities not included. sometimes I feel like I care too much about him and us. Our relationship is a constant cycle. And I choose to stay. It’s my fault I know. The 3 years we have been together he has consistently promised things only to never get around to anything . Recently, he has gotten really bad. To the point where he doesn’t even respond to me when I talk sometimes anymore, he will just blatantly ignore me. And when I ask him why he will angrily say “ cause I don’t know what to fuckin say “ I ask him can he just speak to me normally and not speak to me the way he does , he always says yes baby I know I need to change and I will but then never does. I am more than suicidal . I have no family, I have no friends. No support system. I’m extremely emotionally fragile currently and don’t want to be alive. He has the tendency to miss out on a lot of work and call in sick. We are struggling with money. He was supposed to go to work but kept falling asleep in the morning , so I got upset and told him “ I’m not going to keep waking you up in the mornings so you don’t miss work , you don’t change because you are too reliant on me “ he relies on me for everything yet I have all this undealt trauma that I’m supposed to be working through but instead I stay home to try to tend to the relationship when really my boyfriend does nothing but get a free pass to never think, always prolong progression , float through life by pretending to not know until someone else steps in and does it for him, oh and when he hurts me I have to console him because then he just beats himself up. After I told him what I said this morning , he proceeded to whine in which , I was aggravated so I mocked him by whining back at him, he responded to that my jumping on top of my and grabbing a full head of my hair with both of his fists and slapping me . Then proceeded to cry to me for doing that to me literally 2 minutes after he did it. I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say or think. I have no support system. No mental stamina or strength. I am extremely emotionally dependant on him especially with him being the only person I have , and I know I will just get told to leave or figure something out . But it’s akways much said than done. I have been thinking a lot recently about dying. About how to painlessly kill myself . But then I just feel bad about who winfind my body. I feel bad about someone having to see that or even take care of that. But I also don’t wanna do that to myself somewhere all alone where I will be scared and all alone. It’s conflicting. I have a lot of pain inside of me. My heart hurts a lot. I’m currently sitting alone crying with sharp pain in my chest while he sleeps and skipped out on going to work .... he has already given me his shitty apology and that’s all I will get ... I know I probably won’t hesr what I want from this, if anyone even reads this or decides to reply to it. I’m alone. And I just wish he loved me, I just wish he would stop making things so hard by doing this cycle. I just want to be happy. As a little girl all I ever dreamed of was to just spend the rest of my life with someone who truly loves me and to create my own family since I’ve never had my own. But even that seems impossible at this point . I wish he loved me properly. I wish things would just be okay. But I know that’s pribably not how things will ever be . I wish I had someone. I wish I could just enjoy my life. I know I’ll just be told to leave and get away !! And just figure it all out !!! And honestly it’s like no. No I can’t just get up and leave I have no where to go, and realistically , I’m fucking suicidal, I’m not going to help myself . I’m not going to push: I know how I get . I will plunge into a severe manic/ mania if I were to leave . I know myself. It won’t work out the way I’d want it to. I wouldn’t be strong I’ve tried to go before and I couldn’t. I ended up in emerge with a tube down my throat. I’m all alone and i always will be