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Hi,
How have you been? Our last conversation was quite dry and unsavory. It is obvious that you have put your walls up so you will not be able to see me anymore. But, I am not complaining. It's just, it's so not you, I am confident to say that I know you better than yourself. And that made me curious, why did you act like that?
Meeting you was never an option nor a choice, it just happened. Well, I guess, every meetings are like that. The difference is that, for just a short period of knowing you, I immediately put my guards down and let you in. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was too trusting, maybe I was swept away or maybe I got under your spell? The latter is ridiculous. Why? if that was the reason why I let you in so easily then you should still be with me when in contrary, you are now on your own living and being with someone else.
Please know that I am no longer mad at you. Honestly, I cannot think of the very reason why I got so mad at you before. I'm sorry. It must be hard for you to receive a lot of lash outs when you do not know why I acted like that in the first place. I didn't know too. I just felt lashing out on you; I'm sorry, you don't deserve that.
Putting you out of my life was a very hard pill to swallow. I've had all my firsts with you that I will all take to my grave. You made me happy, loved, pampered but never contented. You were great at filling me with love but that's all. I might be wicked or mad for saying this but one cannot live on love alone. Love is essential, it's true, but in this fast paced world we live in, the world where struggle and hardships are abundant, love is not enough. At the end of the day, you want to go home to the person who's willing to hear you out and understand the way that you are. You want to be heard and understood. I wouldn't scrap out the times you lent me an ear, however I am itching to do so as you also whipped me with words I never expected that will come from your mouth. I shared my dreams but you subtly crushed them. This made me uncontented with your company.
Months and weeks, our relationship was on the rocks. I'm not sure if you felt it though. But that tragedy led me to something I am thankful for today, maybe forever. It opened a door to someone I've been setting aside long before I met you. I'm not sure if other people will see this as infidelity since this happened when we're still together. You're right, I got attracted to someone. Truth is, I loved someone more that I loved you while we're together. This might be the greatest crime that I have committed in my life but if this is the key to happiness and contentment that I have been searching for, then I'd be happy to be a culprit. He was there when you weren't. He listened to me without me being judged. He gave me attention even though I am not asking for one. He gave me what you cannot give me. I loved someone else and I still do until this very moment that I am typing this letter. Having this change of heart made that pill a lot easier to swallow.
You cried for me. I saw the pain in your eyes whenever you try to earn me back. I was ready to give in again, to give you another chance. But whenever I go back, I get so afraid. I am so afraid of you that I want to get off you as far as possible. Then again, my heart will melt the moment I see you shed tears.
We are hurting each other which is why I set you free. We are both caged in our own selfish idealism and perspective that we thought would help each other grow and prosper. Even though it hurts so bad and you may not even understand it until now but this is the best for the both of us.
I can see that you are better and happier with her. I am contented with that. Seeing you smile and laugh once again makes me feel alive and tells me that I made the right choice. I just wish that you have realized all the mistakes (both admitted and not) you made and create it as your fuel to change and be the better man for her. There's no perfect relationship but there is such a thing as compromise and tolerance. I also wish that all of the things that you wanted from me, all the things that you wished were me, you found in her.
I am not holding any grudges for you anymore. I just wish that you find it in your heart to see the beauty in our ending.
I'm sorry for hurting you but I am not sorry for setting you free.
Yours truly ♥
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